No Longer A Functioning Alcoholic...But He's A Pothead

I am no longer a functioning alcoholic...

Yep, that’s right. Today makes day 27 of no vodka, no wine, beer, or other adult beverages. The shakes have subsided, and I can actually sleep throughout the night. (#noinsomnia) The month of January I consumed so much alcohol I became immune. Literally. Which made me think, maybe I had a borderline drinking problem. Aside from consuming ungodly amounts of wine and vodka shots without getting a slight buzz, I had an epiphany; I do not want to look 59, when I am 40, the extra calories negate my workouts, and my tolerance was so high, that I was basically wasting money on the good stuff.

Don’t get me wrong, I miss vodka, and I miss my nightly glass of Shiraz, but now it’s kind of a mind over matter thing. Like can I really go without alcohol for 40 days, 40 nights? I am close. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In other news, this weekend I went out with one of the schoolboys Donny. It was ok, well it wasn’t super exciting or anything. I mean, he threw me off when he decided he wanted to light up (aka smoke mary jane) before our “date”. I mean, I don’t judge, but you mean to tell me it’s 1pm in the afternoon, we are in broad daylight where everyone can see, and you pull out a pipe and greenery because you “need a buzz”. So that was kinda strike #1 in that it turned me off.

Yes, I’ve dated guys in the past that have lit-up, hell Klein even shot-gunned me, but that was after the pleasantries, well into our “relationship” in the privacy of our home. Not in the middle of the day, steps away from cops, children and old people. And I know I can’t talk, because I used to partake in vodka, like it was iced water. But I wasn’t that bad. Like I didn’t have a pint hidden in the console of my car. I only took my flask out for special occasions at nighttime, unless I was on vacation...so I could not really understand his need to light up during brunch hours, not to mention, I think we were parked near one of those Big Brother cameras...

So, after the “date” he decides he wants to go to the library to study. I’m like well, I do need to see if they have this book for class. Before we get there, we stop and get food. So we get there, they don’t have the book. I decide to leave.

(Side Note: I studied all week, and just came off a stressful week of work and school, so I really didn’t want to study anyways. End Side Note)

Donny: well can’t you read some other books

Me: no, we have specific books

Donny: well you can study some other stuff

Me: hmmm, nope, I pretty have everything I need except that book, and all of my stuff is at home, so it’s pointless for me to stay

Donny: well what are you going to do?

Me: go home.

We hug. I leave. That’s It.

2010 In Review

2010 was quite memorable. From Brian to Klein, Klein to Jason, Mr. H to school, and some new playmates in the form of guys in class, I had quite a year. I know I’ve been MIA, so I will do the year in review in one post.




1st Part of 2010 in

Went to N.O. after receiving the invite from Brian…remember that? Anyways, after deleting his number, and attempting to erase him from all things Diva, he still texts me from time to time. Speaking of which, he texted last night, to talk shit about my team losing their bowl game…random & out the blue.



After his demise, Mr. H reappeared, but I locked my muffin, and was pretty good at keeping it away from him for 10-months!

I went on a few dates, you know, the guy that was trying to get his green card. Then, I met the young one we affectionately (or not) know as Klein. We actually tried the boyfriend/girlfriend thing against my better judgment. Blame it on the vodka zapping my brain cells…or at that time, his sweetheart ways, until he started acting crazy. We had some memorable moments. Remember the “peanut butter & jelly” debacle? That was interesting. But then we also had quite a few arguments. And after a few months of dating we dealt with family issues and I subsequently had to break it off, after getting frustrated with his mood swings. Oh and then there was that one incident…that was closure on his part.



2nd Part of 2010

After reclaiming my single & sexy card, I traded it in for a student ID and started grad school. I slowed down on the drinking and hanging, and instead focused on trying to do well during my 1st semester of the ball & chain, in the form of papers and books.



In-between class, I got super horny, and decided to take a walk on the wild side with Jason. The former friend, who I pretty much only went on movie dates with. You know, the guy who thinks Midori Sours are strong. After the romp, I was quite disappointed. I tried once more, to see if it was the alcohol or him. It was him. We still talk from time to time. A few days ago, he asked me out to dinner. Dinner is too personal, is what I tried to explain to POW, I really wish I could make myself like him, but the sexual chemistry is just not there.

You know who lost the sexual chemistry in 2010? Mr. H. I know, I know, after 11 years of on & off-ness, and sex and no sex. I finally feel like it’s not there anymore. So after hiding my muffin from him for most of the year, he wore me down, and quite frankly after having a bad romp, and no sex for months, he didn’t have to keep trying as hard as he was earlier. So we messed the sheets up about 5 or 6 times after our hiatus. And I felt nothing. Yes, I realize it took me five or six times of trying it out, but the last time we messed the sheets up, I was laying there, looking at the ceiling, trying to move his head where I wanted, and it just wasn’t working. I even tried thinking about someone else. So since then we have hung, but I’m 100% sure, we are done. No more freaky sex, and quite frankly I’m cool with that, because he has some kinky fetishes his fetishes were starting to get weird.


While I was focusing on the books, I met two guys in my program. Right now they are just peers, but I have hung with them during break, and outside of the classroom. Let’s start with “Donny”, he asked me for my number towards the middle of the semester. We went out once alone, and once together with other classmates. We talk and communicate quite often, and have plans to hang soon again. He’s cool, pretty laid back, interesting. Then there is “Damien”, we recently hung out at a concert with some of his friends. Right now, I definitely think he would be a cool “classmate” to hang out with from time to time, but nothing beyond that. With Donny though, the chemistry is a bit different. In any case, I’m just hanging out, nothing serious, nothing weird, as we are 1) classmates, and 2) in a small program. So friends only is fine with me. Strictly friends.

So 2010 was full of dating & not dating, make ups and make-out sessions, a new start with school, and more trips & vacays. In addition to plenty of libations, and hanging with the chick friends and others 2010 was a pretty good year.


So now that I’m back from my blog vacay, I’m ready to stay focused and of course have fun in 2011. To get the year started off right, I’m on my way to the Caribbean for my 1st vacation of the year. Sun, sand and beaches in less than 96 hours!!!



Missed you guys! Happy New Year,

Love Diva

Muffin's Dry Out...

What a crazy few weeks...

Let me just jump right in. A few weeks ago I had drunk sex with Jason. It was bad. Really bad, like do we do a "do-over" bad, or pretend it never happened bad? (I'm leaning towards pretend it never happened bad)

I'll admit, I was in a bad place so I can take 10% of the blame, but I thought, "drunk come and get it right now sex" was the best. Atleast that's been my experience in the past. I guess it was bad mainly because we were friends (atleast that's what I'd like to rationalize) and aside from the fact that his rocket launched too quick, (like waaaayyyyy too quick) the chemistry just wasn't there. We did it three times (same night)...but the landings always sucked.

Oh well, he was the re-bound guy, I hadn't had sex in like 2 months, we had been flirting back & forth & bam...


Things aren't THAT awkward though. We've talked since then and text back and forth. Friendship still intact...


I'll tell you what's awkward though....I ran into Klein....with another chick. It was so random and unexpected...it hit me like whoa. Like really, I didn't expect it. And get this, 48 hours later...

I run into his ass AGAIN! (not on purpose). He tried to give me a hug. He tried to make small-talk, and I was just so, like WTF, like I don't have anything to say. I mean really, what is there to say? I'll admit, I could have made an effort, but it would have been so forced.

DC is soooo small. Note to self: Do not date anyone that lives or works within a 3-block radius of me

In Other News:

I went on a really bad date a few weeks ago. Like, he had stalker potential. In fact, I think he tried to follow me home, because he let on that he knew what street I turned down after the date....and he lives in the opposite direction!!! He has called and text-stalked me...big huge red flags...


Brian text me out the blue this past weekend...he said he was just seeing how I was doing? Out the blue


School has me pretty busy, but I managed to findsome time to hang last week. Mr. H & I hung with PATT and a few of my friends on Friday for happy-hour, after 7 vodka drinks, and randomness at two bars, I was in a vodka induced sleep at home by 10pm. Saturday I dressed up & went out....


And now, I have to finish the semester on a good note...so I'll be M.I.A....again

Paper, Plastic, Visa, Passport...

So last Sunday, Gustav and I met. He called me three times, and all three were quite weird, as his accent was pretty thick, which made the phone conversations hard. As you can probably tell by his name, he's not American, which I have no problem with. I can do united colors of international. So anyways, we agree to hang out on Friday. Friday comes and the plans aren't really set. I suggest U street, my favorite DC hang out locale, and he says he can't do U street. I thought it was quite odd, but ok. So we meet in Dupont Circle. Again, no plans. Just meet. I can flow, but, for our first "date" flowing and walking around the circle was not what I had in mind. Plus I only allotted him a two-hour window, as I was meeting friends on U street anyways.


SIDE NOTE: I learned my lesson with all night dates. There is now a 2 hr time-limit. ADD usually kicks in around the 1:47 minute mark anyways :END SIDE NOTE


Since he gave up all things meaty and tasty for Lint, he decides we should go eat rabbit food at a salad spot. I can do green things, so I didn't mind. We stop at the atm, walk around the circle, then finally happen upon the veg friendly place. He's telling me about his day, studying for test taking, woo-sa-ing, then he hits me with, "you know I'm married right"?

Errrrk.

Me: Ummmm, no. If I knew you were married I wouldn't have given you my number. Well that changes everything. We can't hang out.

Him: Really, why not? I like you, and I'm just doing it to get my papers. She knows that.

Me: Does she know you're out with me?

Him: No

Me: Well then.

Him: So we can't be friends? I'm really really feeling you.

Me: No

Him: We aren't really together, I just have to ....you know...keep it up. It's just papers. I don't love her.

Me: Nope I'm sorry

Him: Man, I'm so sad. You mean we really can't hang out.

Me: Nope



After I left, I went to U Street. Had adult beverages with adult friends, and met Mr. barely legal...

Friday Night Date: Ummm How Old Are You?

How can I say this nicely...his cons definitely outweighs his pros.

My date on Friday, sigh. First let me say this. There are some disclaimers and information one should reveal about themselves within the first few conversations. I know some people will disagree with me, but, my date definitely was pulling the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” on me on Friday.

First - I was surprised by his appearance. I mean that in the nicest way. I just simply forgot what he looked liked. I’m standing at Borders, waiting for him to appear, and I’m watching all the young attractive professionals walk by. One in particular was quite yummy. And low & behold, someone’s grandpa sneaks up behind me and gives me a hug.....oh wait, it was my date! Grant....wow, what can I say??? I’m sure he could have been a cutie in his heyday, but well right now, he was a cross between Ben Franklin & John McCain (ok, I kid, I kid....but still)...

Second - Our date started out quite early for a Friday, and it went into the wee hour of 1am. I didn’t uphold my own two-hour rule. But in my defense, it was hard, because he wanted to take me around the World D.C. to all of his favorite spots. We started off by stopping at a shop to get items that we would need for the second portion of the date (get your minds out the gutter), then we headed to at a private members only club and had drinks and dinner. He showed me around, and we talked politics, work, etc. His first surprise came at ohhh about half-way through the first bottle of wine. He has three kids. Now I’m not one to discriminate against people with children, in fact I did date the Old Man who had two sons my age. I never made an issue of it. But well Grant has three moochers teenagers who happen to live with him. Now something about all of this info coming out, after I’m pretty much stuck at dinner, is fishy. Ok, you have three kids that live with you??? Hmmmmm.

Me: So I take it you’ve been married

Grant: I’m separated

Ahhhh, the moment of truth, this old fart is still married, and is obviously living with wifey and the kids. (Separated my ass) At this point he didn’t offer up anymore information. I didn’t feel like probing him, because I already decided this will be our first & last date, and since he was obviously not going to volunteer the pertinent information needed, I had no choice but to draw my own conclusion.

Third - The thing, that bothered me the most, aside from the fact that he had three and a possible on his payroll, was the fact that he was a big fat faker. I mean, he was so fake, you look up fake, and his picture appeared in color. How so? He was flashy, he was fronting, he kept bragging. He wanted me to know that he was well off. Everything came back to his job & where he went to school at. He kept saying “this is the life”, “we are living the life of luxury”. Newsflash papa, smoking cheap cigars, and eating $15.00 dinner specials are not the life of luxury in my book. Yes, we are fortunate, but stop-it. He kept telling me how he liked the finer things in life, so I decided to pull his card.

Me: Oh, you must really travel a lot, where have you been?

Grant: Oh St. Lucia and Greece

Me: Wow, Greece? When was the last time you’ve been there

Grant: Oh about 10 years ago

Me: So that’s it?

Grant: Well, ummm I like to go skiing, and I go to Lake Tahoe. So where have you been?

Me: Ohh, I’ve been to France, Belgium, Germany, London, Jamaica, the D.R., I think Jamaica was my favorite though

The look was a Kodak moment...


Oh, wait-to top it all off. He lost major points when he told me he was a Republican...so in a nut-shell, that was my date with Ben Franklin...

HELL DATE: Case of the Jolly Green Giant

I'm not the only one who has had O-M-G dates...a date with the Jolly Green Giant, according to P.O.W.



I’m baaack!!

Diva has asked me to write about one my dating experiences before we hit Vegas!!! I’ve decided to tell you the tale of the day I met George Foreman.

I don’t do blind dates. I always thought hook-ups were scary and un-natural. You might end up spending three horrid hours with somebody like Flavor-Flav or ODB (RIP). Nevertheless, I broke my rule one time and I will never do it again.

I have a friend who has a gorgeous husband. Tall and dark like I like them. He has a good career and he is a wonderful father and husband. They have the life I planned for myself. One day I’m over there for a play date with the kids and the “Gorgeous Husband” asked me if I would like to meet his cousin. I asked all the basic questions. Age? Kids? Career? Extra toes? He was Gorgeous Husband’s first cousin so I’m thinking they may have some kind of resemblance, against my better judgment I agreed to the date.

Cousin called me the day before the date. His voice was somewhat hard to read. It could go either way. He seemed nice enough though. We talked about general things. I was cooking at the time and my George Foreman Grill was acting up (remember this for later). We made plans to meet at his favorite restaurant with flair.

I get there first so I can check out the scene in case I need to flee. He told me he would have on a green jacket. I order an Ultimate Long Island to prepare myself for the worst.

In walks this 6’ 3” person in a Boston Celtics outfit from head to toe, looking like the Jolly Green giant. And when I say head to toe I mean head to toe. Hat, jacket, t-shirt, pants, and shoes. Green. I assume this is not my date because he said green jacket so I continue to drink my drink. Boston Celtic sits down and I almost choke.

I want to pre-warn you. I am usually a very nice person and I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings but I’m gonna keep real with yall…He was busted. Tore up from the floor up. A mud duck. A beast. He was cock-eyed, his teeth were yellow and his voice was annoying. He kept laughing at his own jokes. He told me I had the best cleavage in the whole city. He asked me did I think his outfit was fresh. Fresh yall, Fresh. Who does that?

I struggle through the dinner trying to be polite as I could be. At the end, he asked me to meet him at his truck. I’m thinking Hell No! You’re not going to hit me over the head and drag me home. I might wake up dressed like you. No way buddy…but against my better judgment, I went.

He pulls out this big bag from Target. In it is a new George Foreman Grill. He tells me he heard me complaining about mine and figured I could use a new one so I could cook his favorite meal. Okay so most people will say this was a sweet gesture but I felt like it was kinda creepy…who does that?

P.O.W.

My Date, In A Nutshell, It Was Boring...

Dates should not be boring. Let me repeat that: DATES SHOULD NOT BE BORING. I went on a date yesterday with this guy. We met at the National Zoo, walked around, talked, walked around, talked. Then I was SO over running, screaming kid banshees and cool animals that could care less about the gawkers. We left and I could have went home at this point. The conversation was very...blah. He suggested we go for ice cream. We get to Coldstone and they are closed. I suggest we go to Alero for a drink. We get there, and I excuse myself to go to the ladies room. While waiting for the person already in there to come out, I see A BIG ASS RAT RUN IN THE KITCHEN, ok, well it wasn’t that big, but when I can see something running around in circles, in the kitchen/stockroom/restaurant, I’m out, like, like (insert phrase here)... I RAN OUT AND TOLD HIM WE HAD TO GET THE FUCK OUT ASAP


(Side Note: For my DC folks, do not go to Alero in Cleveland Park: End side Note)

We finally found a frozen yoghurt spot, and by this time I was so totally not “there”. We finish the date, he drives me to my truck, gives me a kiss on the cheek, and we part ways. A few hours later he texts me and says what a great time he had (wish I could say the same).

I know what you’re thinking? “Diva, what’s wrong with him”. Aside from the fact that I would have had more fun folding paper bags into origami shapes, or I could have played vodka pong with myself, or skipped rope, or laid on the couch and painted my toes...

He was a Good On Paper guy by all accounts, it was just lifeless, no joking, no chemistry, nothing...good on paper does not mean good in person...

The Date: Blow By Blow

Ok, before I go into detail about last night, let me get a couple of disclaimers out the way.

Disclaimer 1 - I’m not that patient, hence the reason why I don’t think I’ll have kids
Disclaimer 2 - Time is money
Disclaimer 3 - I was tired

If you recall, I tried to cancel my date yesterday. I kinda foresaw that it really wasn’t a good day to go on a date. Side Bar: The Mr. Henry romps Monday night had little to do with it. In any case here’s the timeline of unfortunate events:

2:47pm: I send date a text asking him to cancel

3:32pm: He sends me one back, checking to see if everything is ok

3:33pm: I tell him it is, but I have something to do, and wouldn’t be able to do a date until 8 (Here’s where I F’d up.)

3:34pm: He says that’s cool, he’ll see me at the spot at 8pm

4:00pm: I think to myself, what a lame I am cause I don’t wanna go on a date. Then I suck it up & get ready to hit my event and go on the date I don’t wanna go on.

6:00pm: Brian calls me to see what I’m doing. I tell him I have an event to attend, then I am going on a date afterwards.

7:50pm: On U street looking for parking...(f*ck)

8:03pm: Make it to the bar. Text date to let him know I’m there

8:04pm: He texts me back and says he’s running 10 minutes late

I order wine, sit in the damn near empty bar with nothing to do. The clock is ticking. I’m bored. Tired. I keep looking at cell. Ten minutes pass and no call. So in my head, I’m thinking I’ll give him till 8:30pm to call or get there. 8:27 still nothing. (F this) I close my tab out & exit the bar at exactly 8:30. As soon, and I mean as soon as I pull out from my parking spot, he tells me he’s there, in front waiting on me. WTF? I tell him it’s been 30 minutes and I left. Then the following convo ensues:

Date: I’mmmm sooo sorry. I was looking for parking and left work later than I anticipated. Please let me make it up to you.

Me: I’m on 14th & N (6 blocks away) now. You took too long

Date: I’m sorry. Let me meet you there.

He meets me, we decide to find a bar & have a drink, but end up driving around, avoiding the parking meter nazi’s. Finally, I’m done with it and tell him we’ll do it another time. Date ends at 9:01pm. I call Brian and we end up going out to a bar on K Street.

About The Date: He’s a good looking guy, well put together, amazing background, respectful...he just operates on CP time, and after about 10 minutes, my self diagnosed A.D.D. kicks in... he’s got 2.5 strikes though. 3 strikes you’re out. He's going out of town for work this weekend, so we said we’ll give it a go next week...I’ll see if I’m up to it.

The Vault: Dessert On A Dime

So, I'm going home for a few days and I thought I'd reach back into the vault and tell you about a not so yummy dessert date. Around the same time I met the coke bottle glasses guy I met this other guy...we'll call him "Tyrone". I went on a binge and went out like 5 days in a row with my boy Chuck who was here visiting. The week he was here, I met like ten guys, most, ok all under the pre-tense of alcohol...what's new? Anyways, so the following week, I made it my mission to go out on as many dates as possible just for the hell of it. Tyrone called me one day to see if I wanted to go out. During the conversation, he kept complimenting me, and you know, just being really nice, etc, etc. How bad could it be right?

I had a dinner date the day we agreed to go out, so I suggested dessert. He offered to pick me up. Although I don't agree with guys picking me up on the first few dates (i.e. stalkers lurk), I agreed because at the time I lived in a fairly large apartment complex. So anyways, Tyrone gives me the disclaimer, that he really didn't have a lot of money. Being nice, I suggested we go Dutch, I just got out of college myself, so I knew how it could be. And, I mean we were only doing dessert. Surely that wouldn't be a problem. He says he could pay for "our" desert and that he'll call me when he's downstairs.

He picks me up in an old Cutlass or something along those lines. I didn't mind that. I'm not a car snob, however, when I opened the door, I was smacked in the face, by thick fog (i.e. Mary Jane, 4-20, weed). Ok...so I know where this is going. He was decent looking. Subtract the years of inhaling, he probably could have been an 8, throw on some nice clothes, he could have been pushing 9.5. Digressing.

We go to Clyde's. Clyde's was my choice quite often back then because it wasn't too far from my place, it was in a well lit area, and the prices were decent. We sit and chat & place our orders. I skip the drink and get like a $5.00 dessert and water, mind you I had just came from a dinner date, so I wasn't really hungry, or pressed for food. We talk, have a good conversation, then the bill comes. He reaches for it and puts it down. I wait a few seconds, then I pick it up. It's $13 something with tax.

Tyrone, then proceeds to pull out change...i.e. coins...i.e. not dollar bills.

Tyrone: Hey, I'm sorry I don't know if I have enough. I went to the Metro today and they gave me back all of these quarters. Can you take care of the rest?

Me: Uhhh, ok, how much do you have?

Tyrone: $3 something

(the fucker, didn't even have enough to cover his dessert or tip)

Me: I got it.

So I paid. (Mind you, it was only like $13.00, but how lame is that, right???) Anyways, we get up and leave and I'm still chill. He asks me if I'm ready to go straight home. I use the excuse that it's late and I have to work in the morning. We pull up to my apartment complex, he decides he wants to talk. What in the hell do we have to talk about????

He then proceeds to ask me if we should finish our conversation upstairs....uhhh, my apartment??? (no way) I kindly decline...citing the work thing again.

Tyrone: But why? We were having such a good conversation and I'm feeling you and I think you are feeling me too. I just wanna talk.

Me: I really do have to get up early, sorry. Besides I don't know you like that.

Tyrone: But that's why I wanna finish our conversation, so you can get to know me. I promise, I'll sit on the floor. I gotta get up early too.

Me: No. Sorry. Drive safely. Thanks for a good evening.

I get out the car, no looking back, pissed because he couldn't even afford his "own" dessert, and he wanted to "come" up...WTF???

I get upstairs, and he calls me to try to make his case again.... NO, HELL NO. NEEEEEXXXXTTTTT!


(I promise the next time I dig in the vault, I will pull up an exceptionally good date!!!)

BTW, went out with Jason today, more on that tomorrow!!!

I Sure Know How To Pick ‘Em

Help! I've fallen, and I'm in Tool Hell! I mean really. My radar has been off for the last few months. (I have Brian to thank for that) Anyways, this weekend was a pretty low-key weekend, with the exception of the date from hell last night. Despite my sixth sense, common sense & gut feeling, I decided to give JB a chance, just for Tunde (you owe me one!!!). After many back & forth's and blah, blah, blah's we settled on seeing the new X-Men movie, my choice. See I figured since his conversational skills were horrid, that a movie would be the safest bet. You know, no talking...or at least limited talking before the movie started. WRONG!!!

First Impression: TOOL
Second Impression: MAJOR TOOL
Third IMPRESSION: OMG, I have to walk out with him, I hope no one sees me (yeah it was that bad)

Ok, let me back up. So JB, what can I say about him. I try to find something GOOD about everyone. I mean, something that I like about the person. Sometimes it takes me a long time, and sometimes it's just there. Well with JB, the only good thing I found, was I liked his glasses and they were perfect for his face. They were SEXY NERD, although he had no idea how to pull the rest of his outfit off. He had on long black shorts, with long black athletic socks, (I hate that) and black tennis shoes, and an army-ish looking t-shirt, The shorts looked liked wide leg Capri’s, and went well over his socks. WTF? I know we were going to be in a dark theater for 3 hours, but you'd think he'd dress better than that. To top it off, he told me over the phone, he was coming from work and had a change of clothes in the car, so he wouldn't have to go home. He should have just wore his work shit...

Lets see, what else...oh he talked a lot. A whole lot, and I couldn't really concentrate on all of the words because his breath was a bit...well...bad. Actually, it smelled like a dumpster on a hot day in July. I leaned more to left, because he was sitting on my right. I tried to make an excuse to leave & go to the concession stand, just so I could get some fresh air. He went instead, which allowed me about 5 minutes to take deep breaths with out gagging. When he came back, he had a small popcorn to share and a water for me & soda for him. I really appreciated it. But I didn't want to share. Not because I'm stingy, but I couldn't help to think where his hands had been. If he put that much thought into his grungey, backseat car outfit, who knew how much he'd put into washing his hands...

Speaking of talking, he didn’t know how to use his indoor voice, seriously. Like I whispered, just so he would follow my lead...nope not a chance. For the most part though, he was quite during the movie which was really good. And he was respectful, no getting drunk like the previous date with the other tool. The only other thing that got on my nerves besides his talking, his breath, and wardrobe choice, was the fact that he felt like he had to explain everything to me, but really he was the one a few crayons short in his crayon box. For example:

Him: Yeah, you know you would probably like Iron Man. I haven’t seen it but...

Me: I seen it, they are coming out with a part two soon...

Him: Well you know, my boy told me about it, and I was thinking it was probably about a man made of Iron, like Superman or something...but it’s not, he explained it to me and said he has a suit. I never seen it though. You know, they probably have it at Redbox. You know, the box where you can get movies, since they are coming out with a part two.

Me: Yeah, I seen it, you should see, it. Do you have Netflix

Him: No, I have this thing called a DVR, you know, you can record stuff on it, and watch it later. Because I don’t...

Me: Yeah, I know what a DVR is...

Him: Well you can record stuff on it. I don’t know about Netflix.



So, so painful. I learned my lesson. Stop giving guys my number when I’m drunk. Blame it on the...

One Date, A Tool & A Funeral (Part 2 of 2)

Continued...

So we are sitting in the car, I’m pissed. I want him to go, I’m tired, and he’s being persistent.

Him: Hey, is that Ben’s Chili bowl? I’ve never eaten there. Have you? Do you wanna go?

Me: It’s alright. I only eat there when I’m drunk. No, I’m tired.

Him: You sure, I’ve never had it.

Me: You mean to tell me, you’ve been here for 10 years and you never went (What a bunch of F’n bull, during the week he told me he hung out in D.C. all the time)

Him: I live in MD

Me: But you’re here every weekend, and you went to school down the street? Where do you live, I’ll drop you off. (I’m frustrated & am not in the mood to argue...)

Him: It’s late, you sure. I can just stay at your place, I’m not gonna do anything...

Me: No.

Him: Well you can stay at my place. I feel bad. I don’t want you on the road this late. You sure you ok to drive?

Me: Yes. I’ll get a red bull.

Him: You can stay at my place. I promise you, I’ll sleep on the floor.

Me: No

During the drive, he asks me if I want to stop at IHOP. He kept saying anything to prolong my agony. I pull through a drive-through. The ride is about 35 minutes. He’s trying to make small talk over my blaring Common CD. I’m trying to drown his voice out. I’m mad at myself for breaking my own rule...no dates on Saturday night. My thoughts drift to Brian, I want to call him, but by this time, it’s shortly after 3am. The only bonus is, he put gas in my truck...not that, that was a super bonus, because I didn’t get home until 4:05am...I was beyond pissed.


Cons: Such Toolery. Taking 3 shots back to back does not impress me. Thinking I'm going to fall for the, "I'll sleep on the floor, I promise" is pure ignorance. Not being man enough to leave at a decent time, or make the proper arrangements, to make sure your grown ass gets home, is major cool points lost... Dressing, like a reject from Tools R Us, is such a turn off...

Suffice it to say, he doesn't get a second chance.



In Other News:

Sunday I was supposed to go on a date with J.B. But after the debacle with James, I didn’t feel like being bothered, so I cancelled. I text’d Brian to see if he wanted to join me. Brian salvaged what was left of my painful, sleep deprived weekend. Tomorrow, I meet his daughter, brother and Mom...

Yesterday, Mr. Henry called me because he wanted something. It’s funny, he was pissed last week, because I wouldn’t do the horizontal dance with him. I didn’t hear from him all week, then he calls me, because he needs a “favor”. I told him about himself and told him I couldn’t help him...I don’t give a fuck if he’s pissed.

Tony text’d me last night, and asked if we are “still friends”.

Something is definitely in the water...

One Date, A Tool & A Funeral (Part 1 of 2)

My weekend was ALMOST painful, not in a sexy good way, either. It started off well. Thursday night, I put a little culture in my life, and went and seen a play. Friday night, typical night of hanging with Brian. Saturday...this is where the pain began...

Saturday, I woke-up extremely early, after a night of drinking with Brian...I don’t know why, but my body refuses to sleep past 9am after a night of vanilla vodka, even with a dose of Tylenol PM. Did my usual Saturday errands. Since there was so much traffic and a ton of tourists, IMF protestors, and just plain, "we’re so happy it’s nice outside traffic", I decided to change my date plans with James (the potential replacement), plus I needed a recovery nap. Our original plan was to make wine at 4:00pm; I called him around 1:00pm to see if he was opposed to changing our plans to something else. He was all for it, because he wanted to partake in a soccer game. So the new plan venturing to a Hookah bar at 8pm. (my suggestion since I’ve never been).

He informed me that he was going to take the Metro into the city to avoid the parking problems of Adams Morgan, and that he would call me when he was on his way. He called a few minutes before 8, literally a few.

Me: Did you leave yet?

James: No I just got done playing soccer. I’m on my way home to take a shower. It’s raining here. Do you want to do a movie instead?

Me: Ummm, like what? There’s not anything out I really want to see.

James: Do you want to see Obsessed.

Me: No, I don’t care for Beyonce (gasp). I’ll check the showtimes & call you back.

I called him back and told him there wasn’t anything I was particularly feeling, after more discussion, we decided to stick to the hookah plans. He finally gets into the city around 10pm. After picking him up from the Metro, I drive a few blocks to our destination & circle forever in search of a parking spot. After almost giving up, we find one & head to the hookah bar. There’s a 20 minute wait. By this time, it’s a little after 11pm. Brian sends me a text to see how it’s going.

After James & I find a bar sans hookah, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I text Brian back.

I return, and James and I chat for awhile, I have a drink, we share fries...everything is going ok...
We leave and decide to walk around for a bit. We find another hookah bar, that has space available. We sit and try it out. By this time it's after 1am. Thus far into the date, my feelings on him are luke warm. For example, he really didn't dress "nicely" for a first date. He also said a few other things that I wasn't particularly jumping up and down about (i.e. marriage & 3 kids...that's not first date talk). We leave the bar, and he asks me if I want to head back to the first hookah bar, that was booked. We do. He then asks me if I want a shot.

Me: No

Him: Come on just one

Me: Naaa, not, really...well. ok, just one.

He orders 4 shots!!!

Me: Who's taking those? I said one. I'm not drinking more than that.

Him: Ok, I'll take the 3.

After he takes the three shots back to back, to back. He then informed me, that while I was in the ladies room at the first place, he took a shot. At this point, I'm ready to go. It's late, I'm tired, I'm not impressed with him...and in ANY moment, he's going to be feeling the shots. (I see where this is going) We leave and make the hike back to my truck. By this time it's a few minutes after 2. I drive towards the Metro. When we get there, he lingers in the truck. He looks at the clock...

Him: Oh, man!!! I think my bus stopped running.

Me: Are you sure?

Him: Yeah, I think it stops at 2am.

Me: Well the buses usually run late. I thought you drove to the Metro and took the Metro in?

Him: No, I took the bus to the Metro. In fact, I'm pretty sure it stopped running.

Me: Can you check???

(he pulls his phone out and PRETENDS to go online & check)

Him: It stopped at 2am.

Me: Well what are you going to do? Can you take a cab from the Metro to your place? (At this point I'm ready for him to get the F out)

Him: No, I live in the burbs. Man, I'm sooo sorry. I can't believe this. Don't you live close by?

Me: Yes

Him: We can go to your place, and I'll sleep on the floor. It's soooo late.

Me: No, I'll drop you off.

Him: But it's late, I don't want you on the road this late. I live far, and we are just a few minutes from your place...


To Be Continued....

The Vault

I’ve been on a ton of dates, some really, really great one’s and some from hell. Since it’s wet and rainy here, I decided to dig in the Date Vault, and tell you about this one time...in Purgatory Hell.


I attract all types of guys. You name it, I attract it. Well remember Fetish guy, i.e. Stalkerface? The reason why I am not giving him a chance is because he reminds me of this guy I met a few years ago. I don’t remember his name, but let’s call him...Mr. Holy.

So I think Mr. Holy and I met online. In fact, we did. It was when Mr. Henry was living with me, and I was at my wits end, because of our “situation”. So I decided, enough was enough. I was going to start seeing other guys.

Now, Mr. Holy was extremely attractive. He worked out at least 3 or 4 days a week. He had a beautiful smile, and was tall, dark and handsome. I think he was in the military or something. Anyways, after some e-mails and phone conversations, we decided to meet. I picked up Indian food and went to his place. (I know, bad Diva) He supplied the horrible cheap wine (can we say I hate white Zinfandel, it’s like the worst ever), he said he didn’t drink, and didn’t know what to get. Uhhh, anything but this crap I thought. But whatever, I only planned on having one glass.

So we are sitting on the couch talking and this nutcase, I mean, nice guy, starts getting all Holy on me. He’s quoting Bible verses, and saying how he is a child of God, he doesn’t drink or smoke or do drugs blah, blah, blah.

So I’m sitting here with Mr. Holy, trying to come-up with my exit strategy, when he asks me if I want a massage.

Side Note: Guys think they are slick, they will offer a back massage, next thing you know, they are in their socks and silk boxers, and you’re wondering why he has clap on, clap off lights, and slow background music playing in the background. And they always insist you have to remove your bra, shirt, etc. so they can reach your back.

I digress.

So, I’m hip to game. I’ve been in this situation many a time.

Me: Naaa. I have to get home.

Mr. Holy: You scared? I just want to give you a nice massage. Trust me, I’m a man of God, and John....something, something says...

At this point, I’m thinking to myself, this guy is really a nutcase. I need to exit, now!

I go to the kitchen and put my glass & plate away. He follows me and asks me if I want more crap wine. (No Thanks, Nutjob, you might put something in it)

Me: I really better get going

I reach for my shoes and purse.

He steps into my personal space and tries to give me a kiss.

I check my phone. It’s 9 something.

Me: I’m sorry. I really, have to go. But we’ll finish this another time.

After trying a little bit harder to convince me to stay, he finally gives up. I don’t know, maybe he went and prayed or something.

So yeah, that’s why I have a thing with Stalkerish guys, who claim to be “Holy”.

He was a nutjob and a half.

(P.S. I looked in his medicine cabinet, and he had a ton of cold sore lip medicine...that freaked me out)