Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Thrill Is Gone

I’m bored with the guys again. Brian and I determined that we probably have ADD. A few times when we were in Jamaica, when we were forced to sit for long periods of time, we became bored, hyper, thrill seekers. These guys, I swear, are just BLAH sometimes. Case in point, the Old Man. Monday, he invited me over for music, snacks and games. He kept asking me what I wanted, since he’s a vegetarian. I told him to be creative, to pick up some things, I’m not that picky. Well he bugged the F out of me, until I sent him a list. You would think after a year of hanging out, he’d get it.

Here’s a summary of what’s going on lately.

Old Man - So last week we went to dinner. Mind you, I was still a little jet-lagged, happy, and nostalgic about my good times in Jamaica, so I was pretty chill. Just going with the flow. The Old Man picked the restaurant, a vegetarian Indian place downtown. I’m not a vegetarian, but whatever, I love Indian food, so I was cool. The bill comes. He looks at me. I tell him to take care of it this time, and I’ll get it later. He then says, he “took care of it last time”. WHAT??? Are you F’n serious? I then, nicely point out I took care of the movies that same night and that it was his idea to go to dinner, he chose the place, and I just got back in town and couldn’t do it. He makes a BIG production out of it. He puts his glasses on, lays the bill on the table, asks me if I want to see it.

Me: No

Old Man: You don’t want to see the bill?

Me: No. I’m not paying for it, you are. I’d leave a tip but I don’t have enough cash on me. I told you, I’d take care of it next time.

He left a bad taste in my mouth. When it comes to paying for things, he always tries to show me the receipt and make a big production of something, as if to say “See how much money I am spending”. When I pay for something, I give them my debit card, I never tell him (or anyone) how much it is. End of story. When we go out, I pick the bill up about 30-40% of the time. But the 60% of the time he does it, he makes a gigantic F’n deal out of it.

I hate that.

When I hung out with him Monday, things weren’t THAT bad. We had a good time, but I've been thinking a lot lately about how to end it. It's not him. He hasn't changed. I've seen the "Light". I don't want a future with him, and I'm bored/tired of what we are doing now. Nothing. Everything's the same. No surprises with him. Boring, monotonous, someone just shoot me now, I'd have more fun at the hospital!!!

Tony - Tony is .... “unbalanced”. He’s on medication, I think. At least that’s what he said awhile ago. Maybe he’s off his meds, which is code for “it’s time for ME to exit the train”. Saturday night was good. We spent time with each other. Sunday morning, we laid around. I fixed him breakfast. He complains, that he only eats egg whites. WTF??? He doesn’t eat meat, he doesn’t eat chicken, he doesn’t eat flour, therefore he doesn’t eat bread or crackers, he doesn’t drink milk, or eat dairy products. He says, he has a sensitive stomach...Damn Pansy. So whatever. He eats it. Loves it. I have a morning appointment to get to, so I shower, then we leave. That night he calls me, I didn’t hear my phone. When I checked it and called him back, he answered. He sounded stressed or something, and says he’ll call me back. I don’t hear from him.

Monday I called him to see if he’s ok.

Tony: I’m just going through some things. I’m going to get back into therapy.

Me: What’s wrong?

Tony: Well I can’t really talk about it right now, but we’ll talk later

It’s time to put him to rest. Adios Tony. Adios.

Brian - Just friends. So I had to get a guys perspective on Brian...more importantly a guy who is similar to Brian and is the male version of me. My best guy Chuck. Gotta love him. Stopped me from being the "girl" and helps me when I get in a tough situation...the solution, from page 121 of the manual. Brian and I are "Just Friends". Maybe years down the line, when we stop telling each other about our sexual conquests. But for now, he’s in my Friend Box, and I’m in his.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Close Call

I was scared shitless. Tony spent the night last night. We did the usual, attempt to watch a movie, horizontal dance, talk...then he asked to look something up on You Tube. Now normally, I'm not over protective of my laptop, but well...let's see. All he had to do was push the dropdown button, and all of my LITTLE DIRTY SECRETS would be aired...including my blog.

He kept telling me I looked tired, and I should lay down & go to sleep. All I could do, was peep over his shoulder...although my eyes were clearly drooping. I finally got him to give up his search for whatever drummer he was looking for & to come to bed. Whew. Close Call!

I never thought about what I would do if one of the guys found my blog. Mr. Henry, the Old Man & Brian know I have A blog...but they don't know what exactly it is, or how to find it, or that I blog about THEM. Awhile ago, pre-Jamaica, I thought about sending the link to Brian, but changed my mind because I like having the anonymity, and it's my outlet. Recently I thought about sending it to Brian, but then caught feelings, and decided against it.

Damn, I have to be on my P's & Q's now. Looks like I'll be deleting the history of recent sites visited more often!!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

How Brian Met Diva

Ok, I didn’t realize, I never really went into how Brian and I came to be “friends”. Last year, around the end of March, I put out an ad on CL, looking for a male workout buddy. I received a plethora of responses. Some offering “other” services, some who hadn’t seen a gym since birth and some who were just plain creepy. A few passed the screening process, one of which was Brian. There was one other guy who passed, but it never came to fruition.

So anyways, we worked out a few times together, but I think I was hindering him, because he was working out 4 times a week, plus training for a marathon. I was hitting the gym twice a week, plus taking strip aerobics, so not quite a match made in workout buddy heaven. We ended up having a lot in common, i.e. hanging out.

I seen him out a few times with his friends and after a few text messages back and forth, we ended up going to the club together. In between all of this, I was getting mixed signals. He’d grab my ass a few times, and there was this one time when I was coming back from New York and we had a long text exchange about our fantasies.

One night at like 3 am he asked me for a ride home. I was up because I just got home from the bar myself. In the back of my head this was a booty call. I get to where he’s at, and he gets in. He’s pretty drunk. We stop at McDonald's so he can get something to eat. He’s flirting, looking at my legs, trying to push the skirt up on my legs. We pull up to his place and he invites me in to “have a glass of wine on the balcony”. Now, I knew what was up. I accepted.

We get upstairs, he pours me the wine, and we are talking. Somehow we’re talking, flirting, and I ask him to see his package. He opens his shorts, and I look inside. (I know, I can’t believe it either). He then says he’s going to bed. So, that’s my cue right? I didn’t know what to do. I asked him if I could take a shower. When I get out, he’s laying on the bed naked, sleep.

I go over and try to get him up. He puts his arm around me. And that’s it. Now I’m wide awake, and I don’t know what to do. It’s hard for me to go to sleep, so I get up and leave. It’s like 5am. In the morning I get a text message, and he asks me why I left, and apologizes for being drunk, and says I should have stayed. That was it.

We continued to hang out, sometimes flirting, but mostly learning about each other. Pretty soon it became a friendship. Then comes Miami, then comes Jamaica...and here we are now.

So here’s the thing, we KNOW a lot about each other’s sexual exploits. A LOT. I know more than I want to know about his, but all of a sudden, I’m still attracted to him.

While we were in Jamaica, people kept telling me what a “cute” couple we were. After I’d politely correct them and say we are just friends...they’d be like “Bullshit”. We got that a lot. Everyone thought we were married or dating. There was one lady I was talking to at the bar (I don’t know where Brian was) and she kept saying how she thinks we are going to be together, blah, blah, blah. Even if I adamantly said no, we’re just friends...she still pushed it.

So here I am now. He tells me a lot. He’s seeing a lot of other women, sort of serious about one....but I still have this huge F’n crush on him. Not because of the challenge per se. It’s more to it than that.

He told me & people in Jamaica why he admired me. He looked out for me. He told someone he had “too much respect for me”...we had hours upon hours of “real” conversations about our goals. And at the end of the day, minus his notches, sexual romps, addictions, and the fact that we are just “friends” ... he could still get it.

So I never told him how much I like him and respect him. I’m sure he has an idea on some level. But a part of me knows we are just “friends” and are in that “Friends Only” category.

So that’s it...that’s how Brian & I came to be...friends

Thursday, February 19, 2009

OMF'n G....I Can't Believe It

Why me? Did I do something utterly immoral in my past life??? I just got off the phone with Tony a few minutes ago. Uhhhh, he's sprung. Yep. Not to toot my own horn, (toot, toot) but's not him that I want....I want....someone else.

Tony basically said he's wide open, and he wants to make it work with me. I said we should take it slow. On one hand I DO want that happily ever after stuff they FORCE down our throats in the movies...but what, or rather WHO I really want is Brian.

I was too scared to type that, but I do.

No we didn't have SEX in Jamaica...

But, he's what I want....and I can't have him

I hate Karma...whoever finds Karma, hold him down until I get there.

Life sucks.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Post Jamaica

Wipe The Slate Clean - Start from scratch. Out with the old, in with the new...

So I got back into DC at the butt crack of dawn after suffering many delays at the airport. Tony picked me up. We get to my place and the door is opened. I look at him, and I'm like "I'm not going in there"...he gives me that look like I'm not we call the police and I have to wait yet again. After getting the "all clear" we go in, and nothing was stolen, whew... just happenstance.

We make it in, and I'm exhausted like silly exhausted I don't know what to do with myself. I take a shower and he's in my room, looking at my books. He noticed I received the one I wanted off of my wish list. He asked me when & how I got it, that he brought me one for Christmas and never gave it to me. He was going to give it to me for my birthday...well too late buddy!

So after our first round of horizontal dancing, we're laying there having pillow-talk, and he starts getting sentimental on me...and in my head I'm like "Ohh fuck", but out loud I'm like "really"....see the thing is, I've had a change of heart, re Tony.

The week before I left, he was being flaky. So the night before I left, I gave him an ultimatum so to speak.

Me: Look, one minute you're telling me how much you care about me and want to spend time with me, then the next minute, I don't hear from you in 4 days. No text, no call, no nothing.

Tony: I know, I've been going through something's, and I told you about my problem, when I get down, I get really down, and I shut down

Me: I understand that, and I'm not disputing that, all you have to do is drop a quick text or call and say that. I'm leaving in a few hours for Jamaica. I'll be gone for 5 days. That will give us some time to determine what we want. When I get back we can talk

He basically goes on to say how he wants me in his life, blah, blah, blah. Before I left, I thought that's what I wanted too, but I've had a change of heart...and now he decides he wants to be with me.

I don't want to be with him anymore.

We spent the whole night and all day yesterday together.

I still don't want him anymore.

Even after he said he wondered what our kids would look like, and that he'll take care of the house if I don't want to, and do the cooking & cleaning.

Nope, no change of heart.

When he asked to look at my baby pictures, and told me how much he loved my eyes, my skin, my body, my spirit...

I still didn't have a change of heart.

Even after we had hours, upon hours of amazing can't be described sex...I still don't want him.

Isn't that a bitch?

Monday, February 16, 2009

What Happens In Jamaica, Stays In Jamaica

I had so much F'n fun...too much...I don't know what to do with myself...tired...happy...already missing Jamaica and I'm stuck in Miami...

I'll spill the beans tomorrow, maybe!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


If someone tells you they are crazy, then they are probably crazy...and you're crazy for dealing with I guess I'm crazy.

There's only one solution.

I need to cut all ties with Tony.

I gotta go to sleep...Jamaica...T-minus 5 hours.

I talked to him.

He's crazy. Really, not even playing. I'm gonna research his disease/degree of craziness...tomorrow.


T-minus 6 Hours

I had the arduous task of packing this evening. No seeing guys, one conversation and a fully packed suitcase later, I realize that this time tomorrow night I'll be in Jamaica. It was a hard decision. I kept mulling it over all weekend on whether I should go home or go on the trip. It really wasn't easy, because I felt guilty...but after much contemplation and reviewing the finances, I opted to continue with my plans...

So here I am sitting, and thinking. Should I make any last minute phone calls? Mr. Henry called me to wish me a safe journey and the Old Man called this morning with his usual wake-up call, but I haven't spoken to Tony.


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Vodka & Lime Juice

Maybe I'm still a little light headed from the vodka and splash of lime's I consumed last night, but I decided I'm going to quit drinking. I know I said it before, but I mean it this time. I'll quit right after I get back from my trip.....temporarily. Last night I hung out with Brian. I noticed when I hang out with my guy friends, they drink a lot, a whole lot, which in turn causes me to drink a lot....damn, damn, damn. We started out at this Meet-up event. It was lame, so we decided to go back to my place to have a few drinks, then hit the town again.

While at my place, we had some really interesting conversations. We were talking about family and my uncle and the trip, and I realized something...if I get into a serious relationship, I want them to be just like Brian. He's the epitome of what I want in a guy, with the exception of his penchant for a different woman in his bed every weekend. He's sexy, smart, grounded, goal oriented, has a great career, rides a motorcycle, ran a marathon last year, loves to travel, likes to hang out, LOVES his family, he's in fab-u-lous shape, has sexy tattoos, is confident...I guess I could go one & on. And he also said something to me that made me think hmmmm. He said he admires me. Wow. I was shocked. I asked him why and he gave me his reasons. Under different circumstances, I would be interested in him...yep...he could get it but I digress...

So here's why I'm giving up the bottle. We left my place and went to my favorite lounge/club. Guess who was there??? John Q. I haven't seen him in a few months, so I was quite happy to see him...but by this time, the vodka was talking. I remember giving him a huge hug, and saying how good it was to see him...but I'm not sure if I said MORE than that.....uhhh AND to top the night off, I had a f'n stalker. I mean WTF??? I hate when guys stalk in the bar. Like this guy seriously was creepy, because he followed me around all night, he seen that I was "buzzed" and kept trying to in his word "make sure I made it home safely" no thanks stalkerface.

Brian stayed close by. Hmmm.

In Other News

Mr. Henry wanted to go out last night. So I re-implemented a motto I had a few years ago "open, honest & candid" if they ask. I've always been honest with him, when he asks me something. I never volunteer the information, but if you ask me, I will tell you 95% of the time. So last night he asked me if I wanted to go out. I told him no, I had plans. Then he asked me one too many follow-up questions...the 5% almost kicked in.

Mr. Henry: Where are you going?

Me: Out.

Mr. Henry: With who?

Me: Why?

Mr. Henry: a guy?

Me: Yes

Mr. Henry: Oh never mind

Me: You wanna come, it's a meet-up event for singles, you might have fun.

Mr. Henry: I'm not trying to hang out with you and another guy

Me: It's not like that, but ok.

He then proceeded to call me all night, while I was out with Brian...the tables have turned on this one. I'll explain why later. I'm off to the movies...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

On A Somber Note

As most of you know, I don't blog about anything else here except dating. I can't remember posting more than 1 or 2 articles about my family, career, or other friends aside from P.O.W & P.A.T.T. The only reason for that is because I started this as a dating blog, just a glimpse at one dimension of my life. It is with sad regret that I have to say this. My Great Uncle passed away this morning. He was 70. He had four sisters, one being my Grandmother who is still alive, and five brothers. He is the first Elder in my family to die of natural causes, since my Great Grandmother in 1989. Only one of his brothers died (more than 30 years ago) in an accident.

I'm saying this because tomorrow is never promised. He lived a full life and I'm sure in his own way he touched someone or impacted someone, maybe knowingly or unknowingly. I'm dealing with this extremely well, because I understand that he was suffering these last few years with various health problems and he's no longer suffering, and is hopefully in a better place. We weren't particularly close, but he is FAMILY and nothing changes that. I seen him, for the last time in November when I went home for Thanksgiving. He didn't look too well, but I'm happy I got that chance, if briefly, to see him.

Death makes you look at things differently. I'm not afraid to die. It saddens me when people die too soon, but I realize everything happens for a reason. I'm not very religious, but as a child I was brought up in a Baptist environment and I do believe in God. I don't attend church, but I know there is something greater than me Spiritually that pushes and pulls us in many directions. So in a sense I'm at peace with everything, although I know some of my family members are taking it pretty hard.

Death also (fortunately and unfortunately) helps you to realize who your friends are during the rough times. I haven't told all of my friends yet, but those who I have told have been extremely supportive, even one's that I have known for a short time and I'm grateful for that. P.O.W. is in my hometown, and asked me if my Mom was ok, and if she needed anything; Brian said he understood, when I told him, I will have to cut my vacation short to attend the funeral, and said that his motto is "Family First". The Old Man and I talked for quite awhile and others gave their condolences...and I appreciate it and am happy that I know I have a SUPPORT system during the rough times...

Remember to say "I love you", because you can never say it enough.


Thursday, February 5, 2009


Wooo, hooo. I’m so excited. This time next week, I’ll be in Jamaica, running from the below freezing temps here, in my favorite American City (District)... and, drum roll please....I’ll be in Jam-rock on Valentine’s Day!!!

Now, I have been contemplating this for the last few weeks (since everything was confirmed) and I’m trying to decide what will I do if Brian makes any advances towards me... I thought about this long and hard, I may have even had a few non-related dreams in regards to this situation, that I won’t be able to avoid... so I came up with a few scenarios, and what my response will (may) be.

1. Brian walks in on me while I’m changing - Exit strategy - Throw my shoe at him (sign of love in some countries...)
2. Brian walks around naked in front of me - Exit strategy - Silently think happy thoughts, and pretend I don’t see him (this may be a little hard, cause he has the best body ever...)
3. I slip on water (or baby oil) and fall in his lap - Exit strategy - “Oooops”
4. Brian gets in my bed in the middle of the night to spoon - Exit strategy - I’m still trying to formulate one...I’ll get back to you on that one
5. I sleepwalk for the first time in my life, and end up in his bed - Exit strategy - Pretend I’m still asleep

Hmmm, so yeah, the plan is to not, do anything (no kissing, no hugging, no touching)... and I’m pretty strong willed when I need to be, so this will be a piece of cake...

In Other News

Mr. Henry asked me the other day what I was doing for V-Day, and I replied, “I won’t be here”.

Mr. Henry: where are you going?

Me: Jamaica

Mr. Henry: With who, 9 inches (that’s what he calls Brian cause he doesn’t know his name, and I told him I accidentally seen his “package” and it was ...)

Me: Yes

Mr. Henry: Ya’ll are going to do it?

Me: No we’re not. We’re just friends. Nothing happened in Miami, and we are cool. Nothing’s ever happened between us...

Mr. Henry: The only reason why nothing happened is because you started your period.

Me: Whatever. I’m not doing anything with him. Nothing.

Last, night we hung out for awhile. He helped me with my laundry and tried to get me to participate in “extracurricular” activities afterwards. I politely declined. Mr. Henry likes me... a lot. I feel like he likes me more now, because of the chase/challenge. He knows about all of the guys. He asks me, then he says little things like “You’re so much sexier now”, “I like this new attitude you’ve developed”. “Your booty looks great”... yep, so after these statements, I decided to up the ante, and to be extra challenging...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Tony, Tony, Tony

Hmmmm. When I first started this blog, I had no idea he would resurface this way. I had no idea that I’d be re-visiting his “weirdness” again. And, I had no idea that we would develop this sexual chemistry that can’t be described. Now I need to step away from this, because I may just be in it for the gratification (which I so desperately needed).

Let’s see, since last Monday, we’ve talked quite a bit. I seen him Wednesday night at a showing, and then Saturday, he texts me and tells me he’s going through some things and he’ll talk to me later. We talk last night and I found out he got laid off his fulltime job, so he gets a pass.

He came over last night and we had a goodtime. This morning, he was taking me to work and I couldn't help but to Laugh Out Loud at the irony...he was singing... AGAIN! He’s extremely (way too) happy in the morning. He’d put Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks out of business if forty percent of Americans woke up and were as bubbly as him. I guess, I can pat myself on the back for that one! (Great Night = Fabulous Morning = No Coffee Needed)

So, here’s the thing. I’m F’n clueless on this one??? I never thought I’d say that, but I'm kinda diggin him...

Monday, February 2, 2009

Superbowl Sunday, Not So Super

I used to follow sports and was a huge sports fan, however I wasn’t really excited about the Superbowl, so I didn’t do the typical “superbowl” things of preparing snacks, food, etc. Besides, I was tired from spending the night/morning with Mr. Henry. Saturday night, the Old man and I agreed on him coming over at 5:45p to watch the Superbowl. A few things that irked me:

He didn’t call me at all to confirm
I called him a few times and his phone went straight to voicemail
He calls me at 6pm telling me he’s down the street
He comes in, and knows I’m upset with him, and still tries to hug me and lay up under me
He knocks over my drink within 5 minutes of being in my place

I didn’t fix dinner as promised, and was a bit “icy” towards him. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like/want him to come over. He’s 56, but when he gets to my place, you would think he was 16. It’s like he’s so excited to be there, that he doesn’t know what to do. It reminds me of a puppy/6 year old kid/senile Old Man, all wrapped up into one pint sized body.

He did a lot of things that irked me. The more he did, the worse my ‘attitude” got. I mean come the fuck on. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it about him last night. Then it hit me...he’s not MANLY enough, he lacks that “swagger” or “it” factor. For example. I offer him something to drink, he declines. Ok. No big deal. When he called me at 6, to say he was on his way, I told him I hadn’t heard from him, and that I am not fixing anything. He says no problem, he’s not hungry. Well when I make me something and eat it, he doesn’t say anything. I ask him again if he wants something. He says no. About 30 minutes later, he asks me if I have any tylenol or aspirin because he has a headache from hunger.

Me: I asked you if you wanted something to eat

Old Man: Well I don’t know what you have.

Me: You said no.

I give him a packet of Advil. He whines, and asks me to open it for him, he can’t open it. I retort, “no, man-up and open it yourself”. I go to the kitchen and fix him something.

I try to watch the rest of the game in peace, but he keeps making little whiny noises so that I will look at him, and ask him what’s wrong. I don’t. I don’t coddle men, and baby them. And he is no exception.

So last night here were other cons I thought about:

He’s too F’n whiny
He’s too small for me (he’s like 5’4 and a buck thirty)
No sex appeal
No confidence
Doesn’t make me feel like he could protect me

Unexpected Saturday Surprises


Just when I was intent on making it a “Diva” weekend, a few wrenches were thrown in for good measure. Saturday, I’m out, running errands, I check my phone and notice I have two missed calls from Mr. Henry. I call him back, he wants to go out, mind you I had plans to go to the club with the Old Man, which I planned on cancelling I tell Mr. Henry, we can go clubbing. I cancel with the Old man, and he meets me out for dinner instead. After dinner, the Old Man is not ready to go home.

Old Man: So I brought some music with me, we can go back to your place and listen to it.

Me: (Laughing) Uhhh, no.

Old Man: Why not?

Me: You can’t come over, it’s too late.

Old Man: It’s only 10:15, I won’t stay long, I want to show you my experience.

Me: (cracking the F up) No. You can’t come over. It’s too late, you’re not going to want to leave.

Old Man: Do you have to get up early in the morning or something.

Me: No

I didn’t give him an explanation, not that I have to, but I never let him come over after 10pm with the exception of my b-day. I told him I’ll see him Sunday for the Super bowl, and he can come over then, at a decent time and I'll make dinner. He was disappointed, but accepted the invite. He ended up going Salsa dancing instead.


I met Mr. Henry downtown around 11:15pm. This was our FIRST time seeing each other since October. We greet each other, and he gives me a compliment. We sit in my truck and talk for awhile. I tell him, before this goes any further, he needs to apologize to me. I go on to explain why I was mad at him, and how I felt that he should have came through for me as a friend. We talk about it in dept. At this point I’m ready to shoot pool. We go to a couple of places without any luck.

Then, somehow, we end up at the strip club. After the strip club, I tell him I’ll drop him off at the Metro. By this time it’s 1:20a, the Metro is still running. I know he doesn’t want to go home because he finds an excuse to come to my place. When we get to my place, we watch TV for a bit, and talk, then I make the couch up for him and he looks at me like I’m delusional.

Me: Goodnight dude

He's sitting on the couch, and I'm standing over him. He grabs me and kisses my stomach and back, his kisses are getting lower and lower. He tries to pull my shorts down. I pull away.

Me: No. Don’t think you’re going to come over here after all of this time and get some. We aren’t on that level.

Mr. Henry: Ok, sit down lets talk.

We talk and watch TV a little bit more, and he begins rubbing my feet, then somehow I wake up in the morning, and Mr. Henry is next to me.