Mr. Good On Paper

So I am F'N tired of meeting these good on paper guys, wasting time on the phone, texting, e-mailing, then finding out Mr. Good On Paper has some major characteristic flaw...we all know some Good On Paper Guys, you know the one's:

attractive - (check)
good job - (check)
nice car - (check)
educated - (check)
lives alone/or own's place - (check)
non-smoker - (check)
no baby's mama's - (check)
no girlfriend or wife - (check)
spiritual - (check)
healthy/works out - (check)

So what's missing??? Hmmm, it's usually something major, like: bad in bed, bad breath, calling/texting too much, player type, too nice, not spontaneous or adventurous, bad conversation, habitual liar, small package nicely wrapped...if you get the drift. In any case, you never find out about the OTHER traits until it's too late and you've invested time (that you can't get back) into this Good on Paper Guy. I have the perfect example, of one of my former "Good On Paper Guys".

Meet Carlos:

He's an ex boyfriend from a long, long, time ago. He had/has it all. He's the quintessential "Good On Paper Guy". He even took the "Good On Paper Guy-ness" to the next level and owned not one, not two but three (3!) houses (financially stable - check). He's a non-smoker, non-drinker, who is drug/disease free (check). He's a military man, who worked his way up the military ranks (ambitious - check). He was kind of a golden boy who didn't want to have sex outside of marriage (Virgin- no check). I kid you not, the last time I spoke with him (September) he had only had sex with two (2!!!) women in his whole life (I wasn't one of them...another blog another time). His ex-wife and now his current girlfriend... (just two)...commitment type (check).

So what's wrong him (rather what did I think was wrong)?

Long story short, he wanted to get married and be in a relationship with me (no I'm not kicking myself for passing this seemingly good man up). My major issues with him were: spontaneity, predictability, boring-ness(with a capital B!), different education, spiritual and political values. He didn't want to engage in sexual relations (sorry I gotta test drive it first)...and he didn't like going out and doesn't go out. (that's like DEATH for me!)

Anyways, he was the quintessential Good Guy On Paper...

Did I miss something???

Just my thoughts...it's cold outside (I don't care what you say, long john's are NOT sexy) so I'm inside (trying not to fall off the party wagon), so one of three things are going to happen...1) I'll blog all day and night, 2) I'll cave and invite the Old Man over...damn wintertime weather!!!, 3) I'll fall of the Wagon, and be at the Club/Bar in no-time!!!

Q & A Session: Clarifications

So I wanted him to feel comfortable...he looked rather perplexed, intrigued and like a deer caught in headlights. So I made the first question easy.


Me: Did you enjoy staying the night in playing games?:
Old Man: YES (he held up the card)

Me: Ok now your turn
Old Man: Did you like the meal I prepared for you?
Me: YES

Me: Do you wonder why/ or does it bother you that I haven't invited you to my place yet?
Old Man: DEPENDS
Me: Why
Old Man: I'm not mad about it, I'm just curious as to what your place is like. I want to see what you are like at home, your personality so to speak...


Old Man: Does our difference in age bother you?
Me...(after a long pause, I hold up 3 cards): YES, NO, DEPENDS
Old Man: Why give me an example
(I go on to explain to him about the time I went with him to his friend's place on Election night, and how that lady was "fishing for info", and how I wondered what his friends thought of me, if they asked who I was, and how I was the youngest, (by at least 20 years) person there)

Old Man: Do you think about having sex with me?
Me: YES, but...I feel like sex could be a really good thing or a really bad thing. We've taken a long time to build a relationship, and I'm scared about what would happen if the sex is bad
Old Man: Wha...
Me: Because I know how I am, and I'm scared of the ramifications after we take it there

Me: You want to have sex with me don't you?
Old Man: (Grins): YES, DEPENDS
Me: Why depends
Old Man: Kind of what you touched on, on the ramifications that could happen afterwards

Me: Are you seeing/sleeping with other people?
Old Man: Have I slept with other people, yes
Me: REALLY (I didn't see that coming.....wow)
Old Man: It was awhile ago
Me: REALLY???? How long ago
Old Man: I don't know, a month or two
Me: Wow. I didn't expect that..... that's not that long ago( I really, didn't expect that, I was almost speechless)

We talk somemore about sex and how I didn't think he was having sex based on some things he has said, that I drew assumptions from.

We then go on, back and forth about our past, and what we want right now. Basically, he understands I'm not ready for anything serious, I understand he is seeing other people as well, and I told him, that if we ever did take it there, and decided to have a sexual relationship, then I would want it to be monogamous (although at this point I still can't see us having sex)....

...but there is one thing I didn't mention....he didn't ask me if I am/was seeing other people, and I'm on the don't ask, don't tell policy....guess he didn't want to know.....

Cookies, Convo, & Clarity

Yesterday was the day I dedicated to the Old Man. The plan: Dinner at his place (he promised to spoil me) and then a night out listening to live music.

I arrived at his place around 4p (I know, twice in one week!). When I walked in, he had the mood set. Music, warmth, food on the stove simmering, the oven full, and cookies. (one of the many ways to my heart). So a few things you should know about the Old Man, 1) he doesn't cook much, 2) he's a self proclaimed vegetarian (he eats seafood on occasion).

He cooked everything from scratch. Cookies and all!

He had me to try a cookie first...(ugh, ick, wtf??? Just a few things that came to mind)

Old Man: Sooo what do you think

Me: Ummmm, they are....

Old Man: I made some changes, I used honey instead of sugar

Me: Oh

Old Man: I can tell by the look on your face you don't like them

Me: Nooo, they are ummmm... good ( I ate another one to prove to him they were...gag)

Old Man: Do they need sugar

Me: Yes!!!

Dinner was much better. After dinner, we laid on the couch and tried to decide whether or not we were going to brave the cold weather & to go listen to the band he picked out? ( It was so cold, I couldn't even think straight.) We opted to stay in. I asked him if he had Scrabble. He went to the basement and came back with three board games. The first one was some ancient game, that I never seen or played (waaaaay before my time), but managed to beat him four times! Then we played Scrabble (yes, the party girl is SMART!). I killed him in that, then I made up a game for us to play...QUESTIONS.

I knew he wanted to "TALK" and he had questions. We pulled the cards from the Scruples game (yes, no, depends, halo, pitch fork).

Me: Ok. Here are the rules. We can ask each other seven questions. You lay one of these cards on the table, and that's your answer. No question is off limits. But you ONLY get 7, ok?

Old Man: (holding up the cards) So these are my answer choices....

Me: Yes

Old Man: (silent)

Me: Want me to go first

Old Man: Yes


(to be continued...)

If 30 is...

If 30 is the new 20. What's 28?

Ok, the last two nights I've been out partying. Thursday night I hung out with Brian. We hadn't hung out in awhile, so it was a nice change. After we finalized our plans for our upcoming trip in February (Jamaica, Jamaica!) we went to this lounge that is the "place to be", if you are into the seen and be seen crowd. Although that's not really me, I always have fun...Thursday night was no exception.

Since I drove, I kept my drinking to a minimum (1 glass wine, 1 vodka & cran at Brian's), which is generally hard for me. The solution: leave credit/debit card in car or at home. Take a certain amount and once that's gone...it's gone.

Sometimes when I go out with Brian it's hard to meet other guys because they aren't sure if we are together or not...so I split for awhile. On my mission to search out hot guys I ran into this guy, John Q, I used to work with at a previous job. HOT, HOT, HOT! He's the quintessential good guy, with a mysterious secret life you want to know about. At work he's a suit and tie guy, extremely nice, well liked, smart.

Well, I seen a different, sexier side of him Thursday. I like!!! I had a crush on him, when we were working together. I never told him (or anyone else) because 1) we were co-workers and 2) he had a girlfriend at the time. But now...I think he's fair game. I heard he's single again!!! Hmmmm

For the most part, I was good on Thursday. I met another (and I mean this in all kindness) young guy. What is it with me meeting 23 year olds??? We danced & hung out for a second, but I could tell what was on his mind...it was on mine too...but not with him.

Friday. Ahhhh, too much to tell, but I will say this. I'm going to stop partying...I mean it this time, really I do. I went out with friends, and ended up:

1) using the same pick-up line three times (three different guys), it works! Trust me!
2) someone from my night of partying two weeks ago, recognized me, "Hey aren't you that girl.... "Uh no, that was my twin sister Victoria" ....(Damn, I need to go to obscure spots)
3) not sure if I drunk dialed or drunk text messaged anyone, because I lost my phone
4) woke up at 6:30am...(why do I wake up early when I drink???)
5) drunk more than I intended to drink (damn open bars get you in trouble!)

So my pledge is to stop partying...yep. Starting tonight (salsa dancing doesn't count).

F'N A

Fu***n A.

Slap me.

Do Not Answer called me. I recognized the number right away. I took a deep breath and answered.

Me: Hello

Do Not Answer: Hey what's up

Me: Nothing how are you

Do Not Answer: Good.You called me yesterday

Me: Yes


Ok. I know what you're thinking. Who is "Do Not Answer".

It's Mr. Henry, and in my defense, I was on my way to Old Man Benjamin's house. I was listening to a CD when I started feeling sad, nostalgic...and in my quick moment of weakness I called.

No one answered. I hung up without leaving a voicemail.

He called me tonight when I was on my way to Brian's place.

Ahhh.

Don't worry. I'm not that stupid. I'm not going back down that road.

I just had a quick, really quick moment. It's over now.

Litte Red Riding Diva...Continued

He starred at me. Touched me, his looks were piercing, like he was trying to look in my soul. We sort of had "The Talk" but he decided we'll talk more about it later. I think it would have ruined the mood. At one point he laid on top of me & kissed me. He grabbed my butt, he stroked my hair, I told him it was getting late and I should go.

Old Man: You can stay the night

Me: You would like that huh

Old Man: Yes

Me: NO.

Me: I have to go to work in the morning, besides I don't have stuff with me.

Old Man: I'm sure I have something you can wear...

I got up, stretched. I caught him starring at me in the mirror. He walked to the closet to grab my coat and walked me to my truck.

I had a nice time.

Little Red Riding Diva & The Field Trip

I did it!!!!

I went to the Old Man's place tonight. I know what you're thinking....me too (at least I think I am). We didn't make any plans. After work (and my afternoon siesta) we were talking on the phone and planned on going salsa dancing. Instead, the Old Man said I should come over. Nothing unusual, he ALWAYS says I should come over...and my response is usually the same...NO!

Well tonight, I must have drunk DC's tap water, because I said YES!

I arrived to his place around 8:30p. I walked in and was pleasantly surprised....(no he didn't have rose petals and candles lit everywhere!) The pink was gone!!! The first and last time I visited his place it reminded me of his wife, and how someone would have decorated their place 40 years ago...on a tight, really tight budget. Silk flowers and all.

He got rid of a majority of the pink...he still has a long ways to go, but it is looking more and more like a man lives there.

When I walked in, he had music (similar to the music we heard in the movie the other day) playing. A strategic move on his part. He remembered how much I enjoyed the music. Ten cool points.

I took myself on a little tour while he hung my coat up.

First we settled in the basement (my choice). I sat on the couch and he sat in the chair. We conversed about mundane things, work & how much I hate my job, my day, blah, blah, blah, him redecorating etc.

Then we moved back upstairs to the sitting room. At first we were on different couches, then somehow, he magically appeared on my couch.

I laid on him. His back was rested on the arm of the couch, and I laid back on him with my back on his stomach. He wrapped his arms around me. We talked. He caressed my hands, my face...he traced my hairline with his fingertips. We talked. He ran his finger down my cheek and traced the outline of my lips. He studied my skin, my hands, my fingers...we talked.

At some point we got up and went to the kitchen to change the music. He gave me a split bottle of champagne, and we went back to the couch...

To be continued later...it's late and the Diva is tired

Goodnight!!!

Pro's & Con's

So after our date on Sunday night, the Old Man had and still has me thinking. What would be the Pro's & Con's of a relationship with him...


Pro's
He'll be getting Senior discounts soon
He'll be up for retirement, which will allow more time for hanging out
He can tell me about all of the Social Security (SS) benefits I will be missing, since SS probably won't exist by the time I retire
He can tell me if Ensure really works or if I should go with Boost instead
He probably has tons of experience, and I can learn new tricks from an Old Dog (or is it the other way around...hmmm)
He'll be the envy of all of his dirty old friends...60 is the new 20
He probably doesn't want anymore kids since he has kids and grandkids
Since he's older than my parents, he can tell them what to expect when they retire
He calls me Kitten, but then sometimes gets a little forgetful and calls me "Cupcake" (My Dad calls me cupcake, he can't do that!)
He knows all about Recessions & Depressions since he's like...old as...(fill in your cliché term)

Con's
Uhhh, did I mention he has sons my age???
I wouldn't want him to have a heart attack while horizontal "dancing"
When we go out, people think I'm his daughter
Sponge bath's
He'll be up for retirement, which means he may not allow me enough "space"
I may have to start spoon feeding him in less than 5 years
60 is NOT the new 20, maybe the new 50...but definitely not 20
He doesn't know who JayZ is...(that was quite funny actually...)
You can't teach an Old Dog new tricks
If we were to get married, I'd be his kids Step Mother...ha!!!! (that's not funny)

Two In One Night - The Talk

I guess I was making up for lost time...I double booked my Sunday, although I was tired from a night of parting on Saturday. I should have laid in bed all day, but I couldn't help myself. My first date was supposed to start at 5pm. The plan: tea with the new guy. I met him before I left town. We got started a little late. The date started at 5:30, which caused me to feel a little rushed, because I had a second date for 7pm. None-the-less, a Diva never sweats under pressure!

So I hate dinner dates and any date that requires you to sit down and talk as a first date. Tea was no exception. Actually it was kind of lame, but because the plans were so last minute and I had other plans, I didn't want to do anything else...plus it was raining all day.

"Gary" and I meet at the place of choice and he greets me with a hug. We get in, and do the typical get to know you conversation...I was a little bored. So of course I'm checking him out and I'm not impressed. He was kind of cute, but his nails were F'N dirty. And I do mean F'N dirty! It looked like he just changed the oil, put in a new carburetor and changed 4 tires on a 1989 Buick. We sat and chatted. He's nice but...I had to facilitate the conversation too much...it felt forced. I tried to come up with something different (Two Truth's and a Lie) but he didn't take the bait the way I expected him to. We finally leave and I'm relieved. He walks me to my car, and gives me a hug. I thank him for a nice time, and he tries to give me a kiss. I turn my head, and do the cheek to cheek, European fake air kiss...whew.

I head to the cinema to meet the Old Man. Yep, our Sunday movie night. We see this great movie (Slumdog Millionaire) and both agreed the movie was great. I drive him to his car and we sit and talk for a moment. Mostly about the music in the movie and I told him how one of the songs was remade as a rap song. Then we kiss and he says he has something in store for us later in the month depending on my schedule. We talk about hanging out later in the week, then he says something that I'm not sure I'm ready to face.

Old Man: We need to have The Talk

Me: About what?

Old Man: Us. You can come over and we'll make cookies, and that will be a good time for us to to talk.

Me: (Damn cookies) Oh...the dreaded talk...ok


So I guess the time has come...damn, damn, damn. I hate it when someone says "we need to talk".

And what exactly is our "talk" going to actually consist of?

Festive Friday

OMG, I was soooo glad to be back on Friday, you have no idea! I love my family, but after being stuck in the sticks for 5 days, I welcomed the sirens, metro's opened doors and the nightlife. I realized I am somewhat of a "quintessential party girl". No I don't party every night or every weekend, but I need to know a party is going on somewhere. I need to know that I have options if I choose...when I was at home, the options were slim to none. Kind of like the Detroit Lion's winning, I mean losing streak and I can't have that!!!

P.A.T.T was in town for the weekend visiting her family. The plan was to go salsa dancing...and guess who we went with? Yep, the Old Man. He picked us up, and we headed out for a night of good times. So P.A.T.T. is the first one of my friends to meet the Old Man. We get in the car, and I look at her to see what her reaction would be...she smiles. Later on, I had to get a second opinion.

Me: So does he look old?

P.A.T.T.: No, he doesn't look the way I imagined him

Me: What did you think he looked liked?

P.A.T.T.: I thought he'd have grey hair & look older

Me: Really???

P.A.T.T.: Yeah, but he looks good for however old he is, how old is he again?

Me: 56

P.A.T.T.: Damn he's old...He looks like he could be in his forties