No Longer A Functioning Alcoholic...But He's A Pothead

I am no longer a functioning alcoholic...

Yep, that’s right. Today makes day 27 of no vodka, no wine, beer, or other adult beverages. The shakes have subsided, and I can actually sleep throughout the night. (#noinsomnia) The month of January I consumed so much alcohol I became immune. Literally. Which made me think, maybe I had a borderline drinking problem. Aside from consuming ungodly amounts of wine and vodka shots without getting a slight buzz, I had an epiphany; I do not want to look 59, when I am 40, the extra calories negate my workouts, and my tolerance was so high, that I was basically wasting money on the good stuff.

Don’t get me wrong, I miss vodka, and I miss my nightly glass of Shiraz, but now it’s kind of a mind over matter thing. Like can I really go without alcohol for 40 days, 40 nights? I am close. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In other news, this weekend I went out with one of the schoolboys Donny. It was ok, well it wasn’t super exciting or anything. I mean, he threw me off when he decided he wanted to light up (aka smoke mary jane) before our “date”. I mean, I don’t judge, but you mean to tell me it’s 1pm in the afternoon, we are in broad daylight where everyone can see, and you pull out a pipe and greenery because you “need a buzz”. So that was kinda strike #1 in that it turned me off.

Yes, I’ve dated guys in the past that have lit-up, hell Klein even shot-gunned me, but that was after the pleasantries, well into our “relationship” in the privacy of our home. Not in the middle of the day, steps away from cops, children and old people. And I know I can’t talk, because I used to partake in vodka, like it was iced water. But I wasn’t that bad. Like I didn’t have a pint hidden in the console of my car. I only took my flask out for special occasions at nighttime, unless I was on vacation...so I could not really understand his need to light up during brunch hours, not to mention, I think we were parked near one of those Big Brother cameras...

So, after the “date” he decides he wants to go to the library to study. I’m like well, I do need to see if they have this book for class. Before we get there, we stop and get food. So we get there, they don’t have the book. I decide to leave.

(Side Note: I studied all week, and just came off a stressful week of work and school, so I really didn’t want to study anyways. End Side Note)

Donny: well can’t you read some other books

Me: no, we have specific books

Donny: well you can study some other stuff

Me: hmmm, nope, I pretty have everything I need except that book, and all of my stuff is at home, so it’s pointless for me to stay

Donny: well what are you going to do?

Me: go home.

We hug. I leave. That’s It.

Rum, Revelations & Relationships

I’m back from vacay...relaxed, kissed by the sun, and ready to get the year started off right! A little over a week ago, I celebrated my 31st birthday in the Dominican. Between drinking Mamajuana’s and laying on the beach, I began to contemplate what I want this year in terms of well - everything. On my b-day I received like 20 missed happy bday text messages, from guys from the past (Klein, Old Man) and guys from a possible future (Donny & Damien )


With school getting back underway, I’m not 100% sure I want to get into anything too hot and heavy. Yet, I’m kinda ready to take another stab at the R-word. Hours after my arrival back stateside, I spoke with friends, fam & Klein. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in well over two-months. I told him I was kinda suprised he remember it is was “mi cumpleanos”. We caught up, he made a couple of flirtatious remarks...then I decided to causually ask about the chick I ran into him with. He confirmed it’s his latest main squeeze. He went on to tell me she’s a lot like me. Like ALOT. It’s kinda weird, why would you date someone “just like me”? After I got off the phone, it had me thinking...do I miss him, or the idea of him?


Mr. Henry missed me. A LOT. He wanted to see my sun-kissed skin. He pulled out all the stops. Massages. Kisses... and well...more attention than normal. He had the key to my place for two-weeks. I asked him about it once...he sort of “forgot” to give it back. Then I made it cyrstal clear on where he needs to leave it. He knows where I hide it though. In determining my future, I have to decide whether I am going to allow him to contiune playing house with me. I guess I have to sit down and dig deep, and stop playing the fence.


I met some other randoms over the last two-weeks. All of them under 25. I should be flattered, that they think I’m 23 pushing 24. But I’m kinda over the young’uns after my experience with Klein. Speaking of which, something funny with one of them happened this weekend. I think PATT & her new bf are slyly trying to set me up with her bf’s friend. A huge group of us went out this weekend (including schoolboy Donny) and PATT & her bf tried to make sure me & the friend played together...a lot. After the party, Donny went home, while the rest of us partook in the early sober-up breakfast fare. Afterwards PATT, her bf, & “the friend” stayed at my place. I woke up to him at the foot of my bed...he was a perfect gentelman (and I made it clear that if he so much as took his jeans or shirt off I was going to cause bodily harm). The next day I went out to her bf’s place for dinner & they conviently invited “the friend”. Oh & by the way, “the friend” is cute...but he’s 24.


After dinner, I fought icy roads to get back to the city to pick up Mr. H at the Metro. He came back to my place. He asked me how my time out with PATT was...I did not tell him about the impromptu sleepover he would have gotten the wrong idea and flipped the fuck out. We have to have a serious talk...

2010 In Review

2010 was quite memorable. From Brian to Klein, Klein to Jason, Mr. H to school, and some new playmates in the form of guys in class, I had quite a year. I know I’ve been MIA, so I will do the year in review in one post.




1st Part of 2010 in

Went to N.O. after receiving the invite from Brian…remember that? Anyways, after deleting his number, and attempting to erase him from all things Diva, he still texts me from time to time. Speaking of which, he texted last night, to talk shit about my team losing their bowl game…random & out the blue.



After his demise, Mr. H reappeared, but I locked my muffin, and was pretty good at keeping it away from him for 10-months!

I went on a few dates, you know, the guy that was trying to get his green card. Then, I met the young one we affectionately (or not) know as Klein. We actually tried the boyfriend/girlfriend thing against my better judgment. Blame it on the vodka zapping my brain cells…or at that time, his sweetheart ways, until he started acting crazy. We had some memorable moments. Remember the “peanut butter & jelly” debacle? That was interesting. But then we also had quite a few arguments. And after a few months of dating we dealt with family issues and I subsequently had to break it off, after getting frustrated with his mood swings. Oh and then there was that one incident…that was closure on his part.



2nd Part of 2010

After reclaiming my single & sexy card, I traded it in for a student ID and started grad school. I slowed down on the drinking and hanging, and instead focused on trying to do well during my 1st semester of the ball & chain, in the form of papers and books.



In-between class, I got super horny, and decided to take a walk on the wild side with Jason. The former friend, who I pretty much only went on movie dates with. You know, the guy who thinks Midori Sours are strong. After the romp, I was quite disappointed. I tried once more, to see if it was the alcohol or him. It was him. We still talk from time to time. A few days ago, he asked me out to dinner. Dinner is too personal, is what I tried to explain to POW, I really wish I could make myself like him, but the sexual chemistry is just not there.

You know who lost the sexual chemistry in 2010? Mr. H. I know, I know, after 11 years of on & off-ness, and sex and no sex. I finally feel like it’s not there anymore. So after hiding my muffin from him for most of the year, he wore me down, and quite frankly after having a bad romp, and no sex for months, he didn’t have to keep trying as hard as he was earlier. So we messed the sheets up about 5 or 6 times after our hiatus. And I felt nothing. Yes, I realize it took me five or six times of trying it out, but the last time we messed the sheets up, I was laying there, looking at the ceiling, trying to move his head where I wanted, and it just wasn’t working. I even tried thinking about someone else. So since then we have hung, but I’m 100% sure, we are done. No more freaky sex, and quite frankly I’m cool with that, because he has some kinky fetishes his fetishes were starting to get weird.


While I was focusing on the books, I met two guys in my program. Right now they are just peers, but I have hung with them during break, and outside of the classroom. Let’s start with “Donny”, he asked me for my number towards the middle of the semester. We went out once alone, and once together with other classmates. We talk and communicate quite often, and have plans to hang soon again. He’s cool, pretty laid back, interesting. Then there is “Damien”, we recently hung out at a concert with some of his friends. Right now, I definitely think he would be a cool “classmate” to hang out with from time to time, but nothing beyond that. With Donny though, the chemistry is a bit different. In any case, I’m just hanging out, nothing serious, nothing weird, as we are 1) classmates, and 2) in a small program. So friends only is fine with me. Strictly friends.

So 2010 was full of dating & not dating, make ups and make-out sessions, a new start with school, and more trips & vacays. In addition to plenty of libations, and hanging with the chick friends and others 2010 was a pretty good year.


So now that I’m back from my blog vacay, I’m ready to stay focused and of course have fun in 2011. To get the year started off right, I’m on my way to the Caribbean for my 1st vacation of the year. Sun, sand and beaches in less than 96 hours!!!



Missed you guys! Happy New Year,

Love Diva

I Love Him, But I'm Not "IN" Love With Him...

After 10 and a half months of avoiding his advances, flirtations, out-right attempts to get me in his clutches...I must say, I am pretty proud I avoided him for that long. In the past, we would have fell back into the same routine much more quickly. Technically speaking I didn’t give in, but I know I am eating the words I uttered, when I said Mr. Henry could never see the light of my muffin ever again in his lifetime.

With the extinction of Klein, and school, and me being in a place of where I don’t know if I am ready to commit to another relationship, it only seemed natural that Mr. H could gain re-entry into my box. (I know, I know)

I will say that right now the strong can’t breathe emotions & sentiment that I once felt for him are not there. However, it seems as if we will always have this unspoken silent bond. We are magnetically linked to each other - we don’t have to say anything to each other, yet we know...we know exactly what it is we can’t say outloud.

Muffin's Dry Out...

What a crazy few weeks...

Let me just jump right in. A few weeks ago I had drunk sex with Jason. It was bad. Really bad, like do we do a "do-over" bad, or pretend it never happened bad? (I'm leaning towards pretend it never happened bad)

I'll admit, I was in a bad place so I can take 10% of the blame, but I thought, "drunk come and get it right now sex" was the best. Atleast that's been my experience in the past. I guess it was bad mainly because we were friends (atleast that's what I'd like to rationalize) and aside from the fact that his rocket launched too quick, (like waaaayyyyy too quick) the chemistry just wasn't there. We did it three times (same night)...but the landings always sucked.

Oh well, he was the re-bound guy, I hadn't had sex in like 2 months, we had been flirting back & forth & bam...


Things aren't THAT awkward though. We've talked since then and text back and forth. Friendship still intact...


I'll tell you what's awkward though....I ran into Klein....with another chick. It was so random and unexpected...it hit me like whoa. Like really, I didn't expect it. And get this, 48 hours later...

I run into his ass AGAIN! (not on purpose). He tried to give me a hug. He tried to make small-talk, and I was just so, like WTF, like I don't have anything to say. I mean really, what is there to say? I'll admit, I could have made an effort, but it would have been so forced.

DC is soooo small. Note to self: Do not date anyone that lives or works within a 3-block radius of me

In Other News:

I went on a really bad date a few weeks ago. Like, he had stalker potential. In fact, I think he tried to follow me home, because he let on that he knew what street I turned down after the date....and he lives in the opposite direction!!! He has called and text-stalked me...big huge red flags...


Brian text me out the blue this past weekend...he said he was just seeing how I was doing? Out the blue


School has me pretty busy, but I managed to findsome time to hang last week. Mr. H & I hung with PATT and a few of my friends on Friday for happy-hour, after 7 vodka drinks, and randomness at two bars, I was in a vodka induced sleep at home by 10pm. Saturday I dressed up & went out....


And now, I have to finish the semester on a good note...so I'll be M.I.A....again

Part2: Update On Everything Diva, Including Horny-ness, F*ckery & Everything In Between

Disclaimer: Read Part 1 first.


Klein: But I got into a fight, with a crazy person last night. I could have got hurt or died

Me: But you’re standing here in front of me. You’re not hurt.

Klein: I could have been hurt.

Me: (deep sigh) But you’re not, you’re making assumptions and excuses.

We start walking and he awkwardly tries to put his arm around me. I try to have a civil convo with him, but I’m so fucking pissed at the fact that he’s missing the point. He then says he is pushing the whole holding me thing, as it’s still daytime, and it’s Ramadan, and that we shouldn’t talk about anything else that’s negative. He tells me he has a meeting and he will see me later.

Two days go by. I finally call him and ask him to help me with something. I remind him that I’m leaving at the butt crack of dawn, and we haven’t spent “real quality time” together. He meets me at the store, and we’re walking around, I’m getting last minute stuff for my trip. I try to talk to him, and again, he says it’s Ramadan, and he “can’t talk about anything that will change his spirit” He then proceeds to complain about how hungry he is, and asks me how much longer am I going to be, because it’s almost sun-down. I point out to him, that he chose to fast, so basically why “are you complaining, and that if you are so hungry leave”.

He basically says if he leaves, then I’ll just be mad at him again.

At this point I checked out. Mentally, it’s no reasoning with him.

I’m not done shopping, I tell him to go ahead without me, go eat (I need peace & quiet, and frankly didn’t feel like hearing his fucking excuses, whining, and bitching about not eating). He takes half of the things I brought to drop them off at my place.

Me: are you coming over after dinner

Klein: yea

Me: so like an hour or so

Klein: Yea, I gotta eat, or so. It’s Ramadan, so we can’t do anything...

Me: Seriously, I have to pack and stuff, I leave early and won’t be back till Sunday.

Klein: Ok, I’ll see you soon

(he gives me a hug & kiss)

I didn’t hear from him at all that night.

Hence the reason for the text.


Now, I know people think his mom’s death had a lot to do with his irrationality. But I beg to differ. Earlier in the relationship I tried to break up with him twice. And both times he pretended as if it never happened. I think he used his mom’s death as a scapegoat for his actions, as well as Ramadan. Yep. I said it. It may come off as being harsh, but the problems we had existed pre-mom. Had we not had these problems before and they came up as a result of his mom, I’d be more understanding. But they didn’t.

So that’s the demise of Klein. Maybe I could have done it differently, but my frustration with him could not be contained anymore. What’s done is done.

Update On Everything Diva, Including Horny-ness, F*ckery & Everything In Between (1 of 2)

Ok, so I know I've been MIA, and now here I am, trying to play catch-up, fill-in & fill-up. So let me start with a few disclaimers. As usual, I'm drinking. So if something doesn't make since, blame the Yellowtail Shiraz (hey, good cheap wine, what can I say). Disclaimer #2, I haven't had sex in like 2 months...so everything reeks of sexual tension. I'm scared I'll throw my panties at some random guy on the street anyday now, although I must say, I've been in some hard situations the last month (all puns intended), and didn't give in....so maybe the horny-ness is a mental thing.

First things first. I remember I told you I was going to tell you about the break-up with Klein. Hopefully to clear up the fact that I'm not a bitch for breaking up with him shortly after his mom passed. Here goes...

So in the comments awhile ago, I indicated my rocking, eccentric Aunt passed away shortly after Klein's mom. In fact, we were together when I got the news that she had hours (if that) to live. Klein & I talked about her & we talked about his mom, life, blah, blah, blah. So we depart, and on my long drive home, she passes. I call him to let him know. He doesn't answer. A few hours later he calls me & tells me he's out & will call me later.

Later ends up being the next day or so. I had to call him because his phone was off...so I let him know I'm going home for her funeral over the weekend (it's like Monday evening at this point). He's still out of town at this point & says he doesn't know when he'll be back, he has family stuff to take care of. Well he gets back in town Wednesday (but he doesn't tell me, I found out via his sister early Thursday morning, after she sent me a text asking me if I spoke to him). We talked Thursday evening.

I left Friday morning for the funeral.

I leave on Friday & not once does he:
1) call me to see if I made it home ok
2) check on me to see how my fam is doing with everything
3) check on me to see how I am doing
4) see when I'll be back, call to say he misses me, or and fuckery of that nature.

I get back to D.C. on Sunday evening & call to let him know I'm back. No answer. I go about my day, head to the store, with the intentions of going home to unpack & re-pack for my trip to paradise in the form of Jamaica that takes place 3 days later. Low & behold I'm in the check-out line and guess who comes in??? Klein.

He comes up to me (I didn't notice him or rather see him walk in) and asks me to wait for him while he checks out.

I wait.

He comes out & acts like everything is right with the world. The first thing he says to me is:

"I got into a fight last night at work"

Me: *blank stare*

(in my head: WHAT THE FUCK, I DON'T CARE)

Me: (outloud): Ummm excuse me. Did you get my text from earlier?

Him: Yeah, about you making it back?

Me: Um Yeah.

Him: Yeah, I was gonna call you. But guess what happened to me last night?

Me: I don't care. Before you tell me anything, you haven't even asked me how my flight was, how's my family, how was my trip. In fact, you didn't call me once this whole weekend!!!


Ok, sorry guys, I'm getting mad just thinking about the pure fuckery that came out his mouth afterwards. To be continued...

But In Other News:

I resisted the temptation that is Mr. H for the last month, and the fact that he's been throwing it at me like a major league pitcher...

Remember Jason??? If you don't you gotta catch up on him, he's sorta back in the picture as a "friend only".

School has me busy as well as work, so I've been a REALLY GOOD DIVA. As you can see, I'm in the house...but the night is still young.

Was That Supposed To Be Closure????

That wasn't fair Klein...

Fuck closure. That was the idea, behind the come get your shit movement. Closure. This weekend was crazy. Ok, let me start in order. Friday night vodka got the best of me, and lets just say I ran into some of Klein's co-workers. The next day they told him I was inebriated (well in their words fucked up). He told them I wasn't his gf anymore and that I broke up with him. He calls me to get my side of the story, I blow him off because I was on my way back to Mr. H's.

I spent all day Saturday at Mr. H's place.

No sex with Mr. H. In fact, I couldn't even think about bringing myself to letting him nibble my muffin. I thought about it, but I wasn't turned on by the thought of him. In fact, I was probably dryer than the Sahara desert when thinking about him getting close to my lady parts....my mind was somewhere else. I left his place around 3:15am, Klein calls me at 3:45am. I knew he was going to call. I push silent and go to sleep.

Tonight, man.......where do I start. I study, eat, nap, Klein comes over for the "pick your stuff up, I don't want it in my house anymore closure event". We talk. We talk about why it wasn't working, we talk about maybe later in life, He apologizes and says he's sorry he wasn't the man I wanted him to be. We talk about us....He tells me I was the best gf he ever had...he was supposed to meeting his boys in 15 minutes.

We hug for a really long time.

We say stuff that's deep.

I tell him he should go, it's late and he's gotta meet his friends.

He says he has time.

We kiss.

He tugs at my skirt, and I tell him no. "Remember you're practicing Ramadan"

He says he doesn't care and wants to do it.

He tries again. I try to stop him.

He gets on his knees, and kisses me.

I try to stop him again.

He says he wants to.

On the floor in my living room, he gives me the best oral conversation ever, and gets up and leaves.

Damn fucker.

I was supposed to meet my friends out tonight, I was on my way to Mr. H's...gotta get it together...I can't believe he just pulled that....

Disclaimers, Confessions & Sex Rehab

Last Night
I gave him the disclaimer twice...“no sex”...he said he just wanted to hold me (yeah right...) so, against my better judgment I went over there....because...well because, he wore me down. He’s been asking daily for I don’t know how long and technically it was not cheating, seeing as how I broke it off with Klein before I went to the Islands....so I was super single.


Once we got to his house, I asked him for shorts because I forgot pj’s (ummm who wears pj’s anymore?). He’s awkwardly trying to figure out which way to lay. We leave the t.v. on, he pulls me close & I have restless sleep, pretty much the whole night. Somewhere between me dreaming of beaches & rum punch and 6:30am, he starts kissing me, and tries to eat my “muffin”...I clutch my shorts and SHUT IT DOWN...


In the Morning:

Me: I thought you said you weren’t going to try anything?

Mr. H: You seemed restless, I just wanted to help you sleep better



In Other News:
Yes, Klein & I are not together. I got so fucking frustrated with him, I gave him the deuces via text (don’t sue me, I tried to call him and he didn’t answer so I had no choice....), and boarded a plane to paradise for 4 days, thereby cutting off all phone communication with him. Guess he was salty about it, because he tried to take shots at me on Facebook.....oh well, once a child, always a child.

The longer story of why I broke up with him will follow soon




In Other Other News
Guess you can tell by my sporadic postings, that the life of a grad student is about to ensue...not sure how demanding it will be, but I’m sure dating and debauchery will be on the back-burner...I’ll try to stick around & blog about the crazy-ness....this isn’t my last post...just a disclaimer.

Good Girls Drink Vodka

The opportunity to cheat has been placed on a silver platter with a vodka on the rocks and medium filet mignon tonight...proud to say I'm on a diet and resisted temptation. It was tempting yes, but I'm trying to be a good girl... and just so you know, I do like steak, and it was hard (no puns intended) to resist.



In Other News

I'll be starting school in a few weeks, to obtain an advanced degree in something other than dating. Klein and I are doing pretty ok. We have our moments. Some days it's great and other days I'm like fuck it, I quit. For the most part though, I do care about him and I know he cares about me, so we work on it.

I still have that one little, itty bitty muy tiny problemo. I still haven't told Mr. H about Klein and vise versa and I can't bring myself to do it. Inquiring minds want to know why. Is it because I want to keep my options or am I simply to pansy to woman up and face the wrath from both of them. I kinda prefer not to tell them, but chick friends pose the question, "why not"? And that, I can't truly answer.