There were so many times I tried to say something, but it came out like this __________. The more I thought about it, the more I drunk. By the time I worked up the nerves (after 6 margarita's & hookah) it still didn't come out. When we finally got in our cabs to part ways...I called him. Still nothing. This morning I punked out and sent an e-mail instead.
In sending the e-mail I didn't expect a response, nor did I really want one. It was really for me. The e-mail is extremely personal to me, but I couldn't explain the end of Brian without sharing it.
Diva
________________________First let me apologize for my actions. Yes, I know I got drunk, and you were probably irritated with me, and well it wasn’t a good look in general. I didn’t want your last few days to be “weird” and I guess everything has been building up for me. I’ll admit, I get really emotional internally and don’t express myself well enough outwordly. I try to cover up my feelings with humor, lack of acknowledgement, and other stuff I really can’t get into, but I’m working on it, is all I can say...
Knowing you has allowed me to look within myself more and to recognize my own faults and short-comings. I realize knowing you, I have learned things about myself and other people, and I apprecite you for that. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, just as much as I believe in karma & fate.
I’m not telling you this for you, but for me. You’ll probably hate me for it, but I don’t care. I was in love with you. I am. For all of the right and wrong reasons. For reasons I couldn’t comprehend or put my finger on. I realized it in February and couldn’t process it. It sounds stupid, I’m sure, but something I’m working on is telling people how I feel, and then moving on.
I really value & appreciate your friendship, and all of the things I learned from you and in turn learned about myself. Everyday I live, I strive to be a better person, a happier person, living life to the fullest.
I wish you safe travels and a blessed & fulfilled life. If you ever need anything, just ask.
Keep in touch
(End Quote)
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14 comments:
*gasp*
So, uh, how did it feel? Actually typing that out and hitting "send"?
And if he does respond...will you tell us? ;)
whooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i see you working on yourself. i wonder how he will respond. he'll probably say why you gonna say something now. anyways, feel better diva.
You didn't send it did you?
Some how I feel that you didn't do it.
If you did do it, it was a very sweet letter.
I did send it...It felt liberating. It hurt but felt good.
THIS WASN'T FOR HIM, IT WAS FOR ME
And at the end of the day, I'm happy I did it. I don't care what he thinks or how he feels
He did respond back (after processing it for a few hours)
He said thank you, that he's leaving, and he'll text me when he makes it
Finally! I almost choked on a grape, but I'm okay now. I'm able to exhale. Way to go Diva! It really does not matter what he says or thinks because you are liberated!
WOW!!! **applause for Ms.Diva ladies and gentleman** As long as you feel better, that's what counts. Sidenote: was that the end of the PATT sighting? Are you gonna email her? Just wondering. Your blog makes working the graveyard a lot easier, lol
WOOOWWWWW!!!! I can't believe you posted the email. I'm proud of you sis. You are stronger than I could ever be.
P.O.W.
I'm proud of you sending that email, too! Talk about having big cojones! That being said, his response sounds like the exact reason why it was good for you to send that email and now move on. There's no good response to what you said if he doesn't feel it too, but no matter what the response, I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include the word "text." ; o )
I hate to be the lone voice of dissent but I will. This is the most selfish thing I have ever head of. What the hell kind of email was that??? "I'm not telling you this for you, but for me..."? Basically, you want to tell him your feelings but you don't want him messing this up by bring his feelings into it. Seriously????
Your crush on Brian is not Brian's issue. For you to say to Brian that "I'm going to drop this bomb on you because it makes me feel better and I don't give a damn what you think about it", what part of this is not selfish? This is not about feelings anymore. This is about not being beaten by fear more than about expressing feelings. "I love you but I don't care what you think about it." I mean, does Brian really need to be there for this???
You probably have the friendship with Brian where he can see what you mean. That's cool. Nevertheless, you said this was for you and you were right. This was way too much about you. I see a whole bunch of "I"s in your email. "I wish", "I believe", "I live", "I strive", "I don't care". I see 3 "you"s and no "we"s and no "us"s. I think if you are going to send someone a letter about your feelings, it should be close to the one you would want to receive. You don't strike me as someone who would like a letter with a bunch of "I"s, 3 "you"s, no "we"s in it. It' just bad form.
Come on Diva....a last minute email....really??...really.....and email.....you sure bout that.....send an email....no serious talk in a nice restaurant.....no heart to heart talk in the living room......no texting because he'll call you right back......"I had it bad for you!!" click!.....thats it....alright....I guess it was about you.
@ KBB - Thanks...you're right, it was about me. For the first time, it's been about me. Maybe I am selfish, but we've been friends for over a year, went on two vacatons together and spent countless, COUNTLESS hours together. He has had every opportunity in the world to say how he feels or felt, just as I have. I tried, maybe too late, but I did. Sunday night when I called him, he answered the phone once, and said "you're drunk". I called and texted him back immediately and told him I really needed to talk to him, I had something to say. He did not answer, which prompted the e-mail.
He responded with barely two sentences. At that point, he had an opportunity to agree, to be selfish, or to lament about how much he hated, loved, or despised my e-mail or to do as he did in his response. I never told him not to respond, I never told him I didn't want to talk to him. In fact I think I was clear & concise. Was an e-mail the easy way out? Maybe. I tried to talk to him. I did, more than once.
Earlier that day I gave Brian a card with a picture of us in Miami & a quick note. I told Brian how much I learned from him, and how that has impacted me. I told him how much I appreciated and valued our friendship. I told him if he needed anything, to ask. So maybe it wasn't just about me... maybe it never really has been...
WOOOOOOWWWW! I haven't commented in a min but I've been lurking and keeping up. I was not ready for this letter! I wonder how he responded. I bet it feels good to get it off your chest though. And kudos for working on being an even better person!
ok so i'm a new reader and i went back and got myself all caught up!!
I'm glad you had the guts to do this--for him or for you-- as long as you're happy w/ your choice then its all good!
Welcome StarGazR
Thanks to everyone for their comments, keep em coming, I'll keep you updated!
wheew i know this is old news by now but u got balls girl.
i'm still checking up on you i just don't comment as much... this no laptop thing is good but not good... lol.
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