There were so many times I tried to say something, but it came out like this __________. The more I thought about it, the more I drunk. By the time I worked up the nerves (after 6 margarita's & hookah) it still didn't come out. When we finally got in our cabs to part ways...I called him. Still nothing. This morning I punked out and sent an e-mail instead.
In sending the e-mail I didn't expect a response, nor did I really want one. It was really for me. The e-mail is extremely personal to me, but I couldn't explain the end of Brian without sharing it.
First let me apologize for my actions. Yes, I know I got drunk, and you were probably irritated with me, and well it wasn’t a good look in general. I didn’t want your last few days to be “weird” and I guess everything has been building up for me. I’ll admit, I get really emotional internally and don’t express myself well enough outwordly. I try to cover up my feelings with humor, lack of acknowledgement, and other stuff I really can’t get into, but I’m working on it, is all I can say...
Knowing you has allowed me to look within myself more and to recognize my own faults and short-comings. I realize knowing you, I have learned things about myself and other people, and I apprecite you for that. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, just as much as I believe in karma & fate.
I’m not telling you this for you, but for me. You’ll probably hate me for it, but I don’t care. I was in love with you. I am. For all of the right and wrong reasons. For reasons I couldn’t comprehend or put my finger on. I realized it in February and couldn’t process it. It sounds stupid, I’m sure, but something I’m working on is telling people how I feel, and then moving on.
I really value & appreciate your friendship, and all of the things I learned from you and in turn learned about myself. Everyday I live, I strive to be a better person, a happier person, living life to the fullest.
I wish you safe travels and a blessed & fulfilled life. If you ever need anything, just ask.
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