Monday, May 4, 2009

I Sure Know How To Pick ‘Em

Help! I've fallen, and I'm in Tool Hell! I mean really. My radar has been off for the last few months. (I have Brian to thank for that) Anyways, this weekend was a pretty low-key weekend, with the exception of the date from hell last night. Despite my sixth sense, common sense & gut feeling, I decided to give JB a chance, just for Tunde (you owe me one!!!). After many back & forth's and blah, blah, blah's we settled on seeing the new X-Men movie, my choice. See I figured since his conversational skills were horrid, that a movie would be the safest bet. You know, no talking...or at least limited talking before the movie started. WRONG!!!

First Impression: TOOL
Second Impression: MAJOR TOOL
Third IMPRESSION: OMG, I have to walk out with him, I hope no one sees me (yeah it was that bad)

Ok, let me back up. So JB, what can I say about him. I try to find something GOOD about everyone. I mean, something that I like about the person. Sometimes it takes me a long time, and sometimes it's just there. Well with JB, the only good thing I found, was I liked his glasses and they were perfect for his face. They were SEXY NERD, although he had no idea how to pull the rest of his outfit off. He had on long black shorts, with long black athletic socks, (I hate that) and black tennis shoes, and an army-ish looking t-shirt, The shorts looked liked wide leg Capri’s, and went well over his socks. WTF? I know we were going to be in a dark theater for 3 hours, but you'd think he'd dress better than that. To top it off, he told me over the phone, he was coming from work and had a change of clothes in the car, so he wouldn't have to go home. He should have just wore his work shit...

Lets see, what else...oh he talked a lot. A whole lot, and I couldn't really concentrate on all of the words because his breath was a bit...well...bad. Actually, it smelled like a dumpster on a hot day in July. I leaned more to left, because he was sitting on my right. I tried to make an excuse to leave & go to the concession stand, just so I could get some fresh air. He went instead, which allowed me about 5 minutes to take deep breaths with out gagging. When he came back, he had a small popcorn to share and a water for me & soda for him. I really appreciated it. But I didn't want to share. Not because I'm stingy, but I couldn't help to think where his hands had been. If he put that much thought into his grungey, backseat car outfit, who knew how much he'd put into washing his hands...

Speaking of talking, he didn’t know how to use his indoor voice, seriously. Like I whispered, just so he would follow my lead...nope not a chance. For the most part though, he was quite during the movie which was really good. And he was respectful, no getting drunk like the previous date with the other tool. The only other thing that got on my nerves besides his talking, his breath, and wardrobe choice, was the fact that he felt like he had to explain everything to me, but really he was the one a few crayons short in his crayon box. For example:

Him: Yeah, you know you would probably like Iron Man. I haven’t seen it but...

Me: I seen it, they are coming out with a part two soon...

Him: Well you know, my boy told me about it, and I was thinking it was probably about a man made of Iron, like Superman or something...but it’s not, he explained it to me and said he has a suit. I never seen it though. You know, they probably have it at Redbox. You know, the box where you can get movies, since they are coming out with a part two.

Me: Yeah, I seen it, you should see, it. Do you have Netflix

Him: No, I have this thing called a DVR, you know, you can record stuff on it, and watch it later. Because I don’t...

Me: Yeah, I know what a DVR is...

Him: Well you can record stuff on it. I don’t know about Netflix.



So, so painful. I learned my lesson. Stop giving guys my number when I’m drunk. Blame it on the...

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Him: No, I have this thing called a DVR, you know, you can record stuff on it, and watch it later. Because I don’t...


Rotfl!! That is freakin hilarious...

I can't even type anything else
He takes the cake

True2me said...

OMG I know all about the giving guys your number when you are drunk thing. I even posted stories about that on my blog.


Girl we have got to stop

Shawn Smith said...

Ha ha.

Sis, I feel you on so many levels. CH has the same problem of talking too much, not using an inside voice, and explaining things that I already know.

Cheekie said...

*DEAD, reborn, and DEAD AGAIN* @ that convo between ya'll. Why did he have to explain everything. Especially things that are common knowledge in this century.

Also that outfit was not cool. Poor Diva. Yes, Tunde, you owe her big time. lol

I mean, it was a funny experience, but probably just when you look BACK on it. It was probably hell to live through.

Tunde said...

let me take this time out to apologize.

now let me take this time out to rotflmao. you didn't say initially that he had bad breath. lol. that is the worst. did he at least solve or stop stuttering so much?

your dates are so hilarious to me. like what guy doesn't know how to hold a decent conversation?

Dr. J said...

yo i really couldn't stop laughing at this story for about 5 minutes. i think its a tragedy when not only is there a significant population of black men batting for the home team in DC, not only is there a large population of dirtbags and players in DC, but then there are mad wack dudes in DC.... if I was a black woman i might shoot myself, lmao.

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

@ Anon - yeah...I guess he upgraded from his VCR!

@ True - It's so hard, get about 4Vodka & limes in me, and it's over!

@ Shawn - CH, can't be as bad as JB was...you've been putting up with her for weeks...this was my first & last date with him...

@ Cheeky - I was in the theather, thinking, damn, this sucks...then when I had to wait for him to come out the bathroom at the end, you know, when everyone else was waiting on their dates, I was praying I didn't see anyone I knew. That would have been so embarassing...

@ Tunde - How do you plan on making this up to me!!! Never again. And no, he still stuttered in person! I didn't know he had bad breath, until then. It was our first (and last) date & I don't remember the initial meeting that much....ok, at all

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

@ Dr. J - I'm glad you got a good laugh! You know, I kept thinking of other things I would have rather been doing last night...in any case I take FULL responsibility (and throw Tunde 50% for last night's) for the last two dates I went on. I met both guys under the influence of alcohol. Had I been sober, neither one would have gotten the digits.

I think it's soooo lame, but I may start giving my "junk" e-mail address out instead...safer that way...

I don't know what to say about all the other tools...

StarrBURST! said...

Ok first comment since quietly lurking. Love the blog btw...

How the heck you managed to get through that date without slitting your wrists....you deserve an award because he just made my face hurt and I wasn't even there.

No more giving out our number when the alcohol is to blame! Lol.

True2me said...

4 vodkas..oh yeah...lol

Dr. J...on the real, I dont want to shoot myself, I just get drunk and cuss a dude out every week...I know..its not lady like, but I'm not checkin for no one right now so *shrugs* who cares

This weekend I kept calling a dude ugly at the bar. I sat my purse down in a seat cause my cousin was coming, his ugly ass sat on my purse...what a beyatch.

BlkBond said...

It pains me to see you going through this. You need to limit the drinks, becacuse your beer goggles/cognac contacts are not doing you any service. You should have someone to call you after an hour into the date as an escape clause; usually that's what I do.
This guy doesn't know what netflix is?!

Mz Mami said...

lol ....um...FAIL.

I've definitely been through that third impression..did you walk (rush) ahead of him and tell him you had to go to the washroom and to wait for you outside..this post is so funny... you poor thing..wide leg capris...dumpster smelling breath... lol...explaining things of common sense lol.. i think that's something I'M guilty of too......I don't ever remember explaining a dvr though..maybe to like..my 5 yr old cousin..

Chaotically Calm said...

LMFAO he wasn't serious about the DVR was he...does he think you live under a rock or something....oh this is just as bad as the other day my friend trying to explain to me about youtube. Ha ha I needed this chuckle.

You are having a season of tools...I would ask that you stop change the station but it's just so damn funny!!!

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

@StarBurst - Thanks for commenting...during the actual movie, he wasn't too bad...I tried to focus on the movie...the action helped! It was the pre & post show that killed me the most...

@ True - Are you one of those mean drunks...LOL

@BlkBond- I wouldn't have left during the movie...it was good...that's why I denied dinner...that, I wouldn't be able to take! Also, his face wasn't bad, it was everything else...like he needed to get a make-over...STAT

@Mz. Miami - When I came out the ladies room, he was still in the guys room. A lot of people were standing around, and another show was letting out...it was pretty embarrassing....atleast it was a kind of late show on a Sunday...I would have died if it was a Friday night

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

@ choa - you crack me up! Uhhh, I gotta get my radar fixed or upgrade to the new 5000XXSTL model

Skoolboi Krush said...

Dude doesn't sound that bright and the bad breath thing is a no go. You should have said you were going to the bathroom and broke out. Cut your losses.

True2me said...

mean drunk I am Diva, but only to loser guys who are wack and not attractive and sit on my purse

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

@ Skoolboi & Blk Bond - I can't be completely mean....DC is Too small. I do have a habit of running into guys...more than once...

@ True - I used to be a mean drunk, lol...now I'm a nice one. I seem to give everyone hugs & want to take shots...good thing I was sober this weekend!

must love movies said...

lol
this guy told me the other day b/c i was igging him bout doing rude stuff. he was like i don't know what your ex did but like if you have a list of pet peeves you should write them down and give them to a guy when you meet him. b/c i don't know when i'm doing something wrong.


this in response to him taking calls and haveing long conversations while being out with me. on top of that either walking 5 feet behind me or going outside to take the call.

does that make you feel better?
me and my homeboy have been clowning and have decided on a laundry list.

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

@ MLM Make sure you add no bad breath and no capri's to your list... oh, and all crayons must be present! LOL

NowIamNappy said...

LOL I'm sorry the fact that he had to explain himself on everything... I was done.... I would have lost my mind. Better luck next time Diva!

Anonymous said...

I know this is an old post. I am slowly going through your blog. This is just too hilarious. You have dates right out of Seinfeld. Cartoon Hands, Old Man, Dumpster Breath...Too Too funny. I love your blog it is my guilty pleasure.