Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Vault

I’ve been on a ton of dates, some really, really great one’s and some from hell. Since it’s wet and rainy here, I decided to dig in the Date Vault, and tell you about this one time...in Purgatory Hell.

I attract all types of guys. You name it, I attract it. Well remember Fetish guy, i.e. Stalkerface? The reason why I am not giving him a chance is because he reminds me of this guy I met a few years ago. I don’t remember his name, but let’s call him...Mr. Holy.

So I think Mr. Holy and I met online. In fact, we did. It was when Mr. Henry was living with me, and I was at my wits end, because of our “situation”. So I decided, enough was enough. I was going to start seeing other guys.

Now, Mr. Holy was extremely attractive. He worked out at least 3 or 4 days a week. He had a beautiful smile, and was tall, dark and handsome. I think he was in the military or something. Anyways, after some e-mails and phone conversations, we decided to meet. I picked up Indian food and went to his place. (I know, bad Diva) He supplied the horrible cheap wine (can we say I hate white Zinfandel, it’s like the worst ever), he said he didn’t drink, and didn’t know what to get. Uhhh, anything but this crap I thought. But whatever, I only planned on having one glass.

So we are sitting on the couch talking and this nutcase, I mean, nice guy, starts getting all Holy on me. He’s quoting Bible verses, and saying how he is a child of God, he doesn’t drink or smoke or do drugs blah, blah, blah.

So I’m sitting here with Mr. Holy, trying to come-up with my exit strategy, when he asks me if I want a massage.

Side Note: Guys think they are slick, they will offer a back massage, next thing you know, they are in their socks and silk boxers, and you’re wondering why he has clap on, clap off lights, and slow background music playing in the background. And they always insist you have to remove your bra, shirt, etc. so they can reach your back.

I digress.

So, I’m hip to game. I’ve been in this situation many a time.

Me: Naaa. I have to get home.

Mr. Holy: You scared? I just want to give you a nice massage. Trust me, I’m a man of God, and John....something, something says...

At this point, I’m thinking to myself, this guy is really a nutcase. I need to exit, now!

I go to the kitchen and put my glass & plate away. He follows me and asks me if I want more crap wine. (No Thanks, Nutjob, you might put something in it)

Me: I really better get going

I reach for my shoes and purse.

He steps into my personal space and tries to give me a kiss.

I check my phone. It’s 9 something.

Me: I’m sorry. I really, have to go. But we’ll finish this another time.

After trying a little bit harder to convince me to stay, he finally gives up. I don’t know, maybe he went and prayed or something.

So yeah, that’s why I have a thing with Stalkerish guys, who claim to be “Holy”.

He was a nutjob and a half.

(P.S. I looked in his medicine cabinet, and he had a ton of cold sore lip medicine...that freaked me out)


Christin said...

These holier than thou types are typically the craziest. I'm a spiritual person but that story is just beyond ridiculous. I'm glad you made it out of that situation safely.

Journey to my soul said...

"Guys think they are slick, they will offer a back massage, next thing you know, they are in their socks and silk boxers, and you’re wondering why he has clap on, clap off lights, and slow background music playing in the background. And they always insist you have to remove your bra, shirt, etc. so they can reach your back."

Funny as hell. That was my move first two years in college. lol I mean it worked. Its not about being slick. We all know the girls know whats going on. Both parties pretend like they dont. Aint it all a game? But only works when she actually feeling you.

oh yeah...tons of cold sore meds...maybe his lips gets chapped...gees! or maybe...he gets alot of cold sores! lol

first date and you bought the food, wine...and brought it over his place? ...bad gurl! You are a pyschos dream girl. (kidding)

CareyCarey said...

*lol* The old "do you want a back rub"

See, I need to come by here to see what NOT to do.

I love a women that's grounded but I do not like bedtime stories called the 10 commandments. Really, let me read mine and let them keep theirs.

I got my eye on you Miss DC, you are something else!

CareyCarey said...

*lol* The old "do you want a back rub"

I need to come through here more often to see what NOT to do.

I got my eye on you Miss DC. You are something else!

Thanks for stopping through. I hear you on the options. You live what you speak.

Chaotically Calm said...

Diva Diva Diva you know housecalls with folks you don't know never end well. He sounds like a pure loon of course he did only wanna give you a "massage." LMAO!!!

Cheekie said...

Can't. Contain. Laughter.

Especially that P.S. statement you added!

How do you GET into these situations, Diva? It's gotta be more than just for blog fodder...which, is a nice reason because I love your blog, but seriously! lol


@ Christin - Thanks...I get myself into some weird situations...thank God I'm alive!

@ Journey - I didn't know until my senior year of college...it was "game" I was sheltered :), oh and he brought the wone. Not me. I would have chosen Riesling or a nice red...

@ Carey - I think, he thought that was what I wanted to hear...NOT!!! Siting Bible verses will not compell me to drop my panties, quite the opposite

@Chaotically - I know, I know. I was in a bad place with Mr. H, thought I could escape it with another guy...ended up being a nutcase....a cute nutcase, but none-the-less a nutcase

@Cheekie - I always, always, always look in the medicine cabinet. I used to work at a Pharmacy in college...I need to know what he's taking!!!


AHHHHH - Ignore they typos. I meant "Wine" and "citing"

Dr. J said...

The massage okie doke is the oldest one in the book, learned that at 18 and I refuse to use it nowadays.

I prefer to be honest with the following three:
(1) I do not really have women in my bed that i'm not sleeping with.
(2) If you stay here past 11PM, i'm going to start thinking about sleeping with you.
(3) It's on you to tell me when to stop, but please keep in mind #1 and #2.

Anonymous said...

Okay go in the vault and pull out the story from my 21st birthday. You. naked. street. LOL


Chaotically Calm said...

Not sure how late I am but I like the new blog design...I like to think of it as sophisticated splashes of color!


@ Dr. J - yeah, he was an old dog, using old tricks...you see it didn't work :)

@ P.O.W - When are you going to get a screen name...lol

@ Chaotically. Thanks! I've been toying with the idea of blog upgrade "change", just didn't know what I wanted until now :)

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