Wednesday, September 2, 2009

HELL DATE: Case of the Jolly Green Giant

I'm not the only one who has had O-M-G dates...a date with the Jolly Green Giant, according to P.O.W.

I’m baaack!!

Diva has asked me to write about one my dating experiences before we hit Vegas!!! I’ve decided to tell you the tale of the day I met George Foreman.

I don’t do blind dates. I always thought hook-ups were scary and un-natural. You might end up spending three horrid hours with somebody like Flavor-Flav or ODB (RIP). Nevertheless, I broke my rule one time and I will never do it again.

I have a friend who has a gorgeous husband. Tall and dark like I like them. He has a good career and he is a wonderful father and husband. They have the life I planned for myself. One day I’m over there for a play date with the kids and the “Gorgeous Husband” asked me if I would like to meet his cousin. I asked all the basic questions. Age? Kids? Career? Extra toes? He was Gorgeous Husband’s first cousin so I’m thinking they may have some kind of resemblance, against my better judgment I agreed to the date.

Cousin called me the day before the date. His voice was somewhat hard to read. It could go either way. He seemed nice enough though. We talked about general things. I was cooking at the time and my George Foreman Grill was acting up (remember this for later). We made plans to meet at his favorite restaurant with flair.

I get there first so I can check out the scene in case I need to flee. He told me he would have on a green jacket. I order an Ultimate Long Island to prepare myself for the worst.

In walks this 6’ 3” person in a Boston Celtics outfit from head to toe, looking like the Jolly Green giant. And when I say head to toe I mean head to toe. Hat, jacket, t-shirt, pants, and shoes. Green. I assume this is not my date because he said green jacket so I continue to drink my drink. Boston Celtic sits down and I almost choke.

I want to pre-warn you. I am usually a very nice person and I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings but I’m gonna keep real with yall…He was busted. Tore up from the floor up. A mud duck. A beast. He was cock-eyed, his teeth were yellow and his voice was annoying. He kept laughing at his own jokes. He told me I had the best cleavage in the whole city. He asked me did I think his outfit was fresh. Fresh yall, Fresh. Who does that?

I struggle through the dinner trying to be polite as I could be. At the end, he asked me to meet him at his truck. I’m thinking Hell No! You’re not going to hit me over the head and drag me home. I might wake up dressed like you. No way buddy…but against my better judgment, I went.

He pulls out this big bag from Target. In it is a new George Foreman Grill. He tells me he heard me complaining about mine and figured I could use a new one so I could cook his favorite meal. Okay so most people will say this was a sweet gesture but I felt like it was kinda creepy…who does that?



HomeImprovementNinja said...

I think you unintentionally hit it on the head. If he was attractive, you would've thought the Foreman grill thing was super sweet and told all your friends that he was a great guy. I bet his jokes would have miraculously been funnier too.

Same thing with sexual harrassment at work. If you work with Brad Pitt, it's not sexual harrassment. If you work with Danny Devito, it is.

Anyway, it's partly your fault and partly your friend's husband's fault. He's the guys first cousin, why didn't you ask to see some pics from a family reunion? And the husband must've know what the guy looks like, so why didn't he warn you?

Anonymous said...

@ ninja I completely agree with you. If he were attractive, I’m sure I would have thought differently. I actually went on a couple more dates to make sure I wasn’t being superficial…. I wasn’t. The second and third dates weren’t any better. I even paid for the third one so he didn’t think I was taking advantage of the situation

True2me said...

so what if he were more attractive she would have liked the gift..WHO WOULDN'T, but he wasn' she didn't

I hope you took the grill LMAO..

Im mad he dressing like that, that woulda turned me off too

Anonymous said...

i thought at first that the grill made up for everything else in sense. at least you gave him a few more tries.

you know what this makes me think? what did the husband think of you by hooking you up with him?

Phone Sex UK said...
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Cheekie said...

AHAHAHAHAHA @ you being afraid you'd wake up dressed like him.

And YES, that was a creepy gesture. After knowing you and going for a few more dates? Sweet? At the first date, which was a BLIND one? Stalkerish.

This story woke me up, P.O.W. Good one!

Filipina girl said...


I couldn't agree for more! The author would have not experienced nightmare date if she should have investigate further and haven't forgot to see some pictures. Think that is why the first cousin's husband did not tell the author about the real personality of his cousin out of pity I guess or just want to have fun at her expense..LOL

Chaotically Calm said...

LMAO...Diva please invite POW back for more dating experiences. I am still laughing at the wake up dressed like him comment.

Oh and Ninja has it right...these kinda of things are so subjective...fugly = sexual harassment while fantabulous = playful flirting.

In any event this was super entertaining and I hope you two are having a blast in vegas!

Anonymiss said...

LMAO!! This is exactly why I will never go on a blind date. I need to see a picture first.

& Yah buying the grill was a bit creepy. Sweet... but creepy. & I hope you didn't accept it.