Monday, November 16, 2009

Vegas, According To Bond (Guest Post)

I read and lurk on a lot of blogs. I present to you Bond. Black Bond. It just so happened that Bond & I were in Vegas the same weekend; extremely unknowingly close. And, it just so happened, that we may have stayed in the same hotel for a day or so!!! In anycase, I’m not spilling the beans on what happened with me & POW in Vegas. Atleast not yet. However, you should enjoy the Bond Experience.

(This is the finale for the Vegas series. I was there for another night, but it was uneventful as I was there alone. I know each post was lengthy and I took awhile to finish, but I wanted to be as descriptive and authentic as I could be. I will be back to 'normal' blogs from this point. At least until the next series--Bond)

Starring: The Black Bond
Co-Starring: Diddy
Guess Starring: Latino Mami(s), The Texas Girls, The Beckys, D list celebrities, retired athlete, Pop starlet, random video vixen/jersey chasers, etc.
Location: VEGAS!

Soundtrack courtesy of The Black Bond iPod

"Run This Town", "F*ck All Night", "Excuse Me Miss" by Jay-Z
"Money to Blow", "Still Fly", "Ransom", "Stunt Hard" by Drake
"Never Get It", "H*es" by Lil' Wayne
"First Day Out" by Gucci Mane (AYE!)
"3 in the morning" by UGK
"PWA" by 5th ward boyz
"Hey Ma (remix)" by Cam'Ron
"Bubble Music" by Cam'Ron
"Bad Whiskey (Wavy)" by Max B

"The Game is ours
we'll never foul out...
Y'all just better hope
we gracefully bow out"--Sean Carter, Do It Again, Vol. 3

Diddy gets a call from a gamer in ATL. A gamer is what we call a female player. She usually has the face of an angel, body of a goddess, personality of a jester, and the aura of a queen. When I was in college and I would be in cities like Atlanta, Houston, D.C., etc. they were frequent. Now I see more clucks than a little. I think people in general just are not what they used to be.

Anyway, this particular gamer is calling Diddy about a business opportunity. He puts his phone on speaker to let me hear her slick talk. She is selling a product called a body wrap*. She has a practical monopoly from Atlanta to Houston with this product and she wants to expand to Los Angeles. She boasts that she has made $15,000 in one month. She wants Diddy and whoever he knows (i.e. Me & J) to put some money up for her to expand or to take the body wrap to our respective cities of origin/residence. The money sounds good, but I'm a guy--what the hell do I look like selling body wraps to women?!

She goes in about how when she was in Vegas a guy noticed her ass (yeah, that'll do it) and put her up in a penthouse. He lives in L.A. but she hasn't had a chance to break him. She's not about sex, she says it takes a check to get her wet. Hilarious...but I love it; reminds me of one of my lines. Diddy tells her he will hear her out, types in the dates she will be in L.A. then hangs up.

I go through my wager slips to see if there are any I have overlooked. Damn. I notice all of the money I lost; moreover, the money I lost out on. I find two slips that seem to be live: 8-team parlay cards with one game left for Ole Miss. Win potential: $1100 dollars. I think my luck is about to change.

Diddy texts the Italian girl, her name is Janelle*. She works for a publishing and media company on the east coast. She was in Vegas initially for business, but decided to go out Saturday. I instruct him on what to say. She comes across as a woman who is susceptible to flattery. She eventually stops texting and calls after one of his (my) lines intrigue her. She wants to meet us at the infamous pool party that takes place at the Hard Rock every Sunday. She has passes & VIP, however, we must go now to take advantage.

I tell Diddy I will meet him at the Hard Rock. I do not want to be a third wheel and I want to see if I will win these bets. I also need to pack because I cannot stand being at this hotel any longer than I have to. I tell him to call me once he gets in line. He tells me that Fabolous was at a club inside the Bellagio last night called The Bank, and we probably could have gone in with me in jeans and a t-shirt. I don't think he realizes that I am impartial.

Diddy leaves and I turn the television to ESPN to see the Ole Miss game. Ole Miss is winning, however, they are not covering the spread. Damn. I'm about to be depressed all over again. I send out a few texts to see if anybody else had any luck yesterday. The next thing I know, Ole Miss bounces back to score 28 points in the 4th quarter. I win. Guess my luck has changed.

I jump up to pack and take a shower. After I get dressed, I noticed Diddy has called. He says that the line to the pool party is around the block. The pool party was free until noon, however, the line will negate anybody getting in there by noon. I ask him about the passes, but her connect is no longer there...probably in the pool party. It turns out that T-pain and Fabolous will be at this pool party so it will be a concert as well as a party. I tell him to call me back when he finds out what the cover is.

I put on cargo shorts, polo shirt, and uptowns then head to my original hotel. On my way out there are men holding hands by the pool area. Pause.
I catch a cab to my hotel to check in. I walk into the lobby and there seems to be more people here than ever before. It seems like every time someone leaves Vegas, three people replace them. I ignore the line and walk directly to the attendant and inform her I have a reservation. She motions me to one of the people at the front desk. They place me on the 21st floor with a view of the strip. Guess my luck has improved.

After receiving my key card I walk to the sportsbook to collect my money. I see the Latino guy from Saturday, who asks me how my luck has been. I tell him it just got better: $1100 dollar parlay win. He says "shit! Damn homie, I need to do what you're doing". I give him dap then head upstairs to drop off my bags. Diddy calls to inform me that the cover is $100 dollars for guys, $50 dollars for females and it is already after noon. I tell him that I will be there, but he does not want to go, because he and Janelle decide to get massages. Now I see he is in impressive mode because he starts whispering asking me what type of massages are available and how much they cost. He wants to know what type of massage I had and how much it costs.
I tell him the massage was about $135 for a 60 minute session. He yells that I was bugged for paying that's Vegas. I enjoy living life without the harsh confines of possible restrictions.
He tells me he will call once they finish. I tell him to ditch the massage and go straight to her room. He laughs, but says he doesn't think so. Despite his initial aggression, he sometimes gets passive after initial contact; whereas I am usually tame initially and my aggression escalates as time goes on.

I decide to grab something to eat. I find a gourmet burger restaurant. This restaurant has all kinds of hamburgers made from various meats: pork, beef, lamb, turkey, etc. They also have a great selection of beers. To start off I have an apple beer while I look over the menu. In lieu of my win, I decide to order a Kobe beef burger on ciabatta bread. I finish the apple beer in 2 minutes. The bartender tells me that they offer a better selection. This is a coy way of him saying I need to step my beer game up (laughs). Never one to back to down from a challenge, I go straight to the beers from Germany.

My uncle served 2 tours in Germany during the 80's. He would always remark about three things: Cleanliness, Beer, and Women. He would tell me stories where his German girlfriends behavior was damn near obsessive. They would drink with him, fight people with him (laughs), and sex him crazy. He would get excited reminiscing about his time in Germany. I tried to remember the name of the beer he always spoke about. He's been gone for a few years now and though we were not close, I miss him. When he got out of the Army to live with us for a few months when I was a child, I though he was the biggest man on earth. 6'4, 280 lbs of muscle. Baritone voice. Country boy through and through: he loved to eat, drink, fight, and chase women so much so that could have been his obituary. Most of all he loved his family. One of the guys he drank with noted how pretty my sister was once and he grabbed his Glock and chased the guy down the street. My father had to be called to calm him down because he wanted to kill the guy...and that was his friend. I often think about my uncle in an NFL uniform or in a boxing ring. His room at my Nana's house lined with trophies, metals, and athletic awards. I think if he had received the guidance at a young age his story would have ended differently.

Doppelbock. That is the name of the beer. I order a Doppelbock to pay homage to my uncle. I have yet to enjoy the life of the Deutsch, but at least with this beer I will give my uncle his moment. The beer is corked. The bartender must uncork the beer before I can drink it. The alcohol content is about 12%. At this point two girls are seated on my left and everyone else is looking at the spectacle that is a beer. I take a sip: it tastes like a Guinness syrup. The girls want to know how it tastes. I tell them it is good, just very strong. They introduce themselves as: Liz* and Hailey*. Liz lives in San Diego, Hailey lives in Vegas. Hailey is the better looking, but Liz is the most personable. Hailey has a boyfriend (damn), Liz does not. I lay on the charm and discover Liz is a buyer for a department store. I inquire about the Barney's limited edition converse and she gives me a number of someone in NY to contact Monday. Out of the blue, Hailey declares that she likes me and I am cool. Guess I passed the test. They whisper for awhile, then my phone rings: Diddy.

Diddy informs me that he is at the Wynn receiving a deep-tissue massage with Janelle. Janelle was concerned that I was lonely and wanted to check on me. I tell him that I won my bets, unpacked my bags, and I am now enjoying the companies of two ladies. He says, "Damn, I guess you winning?", I reply, "that's what I do. Win.". He tells me he'll call me when he finishes.

I tell the girls it was Diddy. They vocalize their initial concerns why I was alone. They though I was with a female. After small talk, Liz gives me her number and asks me to call them tonight to hang out. Yeah, that usually turns out well for me. Hailey mentioned getting my opinion on some lingerie she bought and Liz casually mentioned that she had never dated a Black guy. Guess my luck has changed.

The girls give me hugs with promises to call me tonight for fun. I continue my conversation with a couple sitting to my right. We have an enlightened conversation about marriage, careers, children, and love. I thank them, pay my tab, then head back to the room.

I lay down for a minute to allow my body to enjoy a $50 dollar hamburger. I am confused if the past few days have been a fallacy or reality. I no longer have the urge to hit the club every night, sleep with every Beyonce/Kenya Moore doppelganger, drink like fish, or smoke like a train, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the pasture that is suburban cookouts, khakis, and conformity.

Diddy calls to tell me that he and Janelle went back to her room. He notes how soft and curvy her body was. The type of body that makes men end up with 7 kids and neurotic habits. She gave him head that was mind-blowing (pun intended). Just when he was about to lay her, her boss calls...

Continue the rest of the Bond Experience here.

1 comment:

Reign said...

Thanks Diva for that guest post! I've been looking for more blogs to lurk and now I'm no longer being productive at work! good read.